I told myself that I will only come back to blogging if I have happy things to write about, but then it is all about perspectives.
In some phases of your life, you are all alone. Everything around you moves with the speed of light and you are still stuck at some place, trying to take that final step but still hesitating because you are too scared of repercussions. Sometimes you end up hurting yourself because you don't want to hurt someone else and one day you realize it was all a mistake.
People around me look at me with too many questions in their eyes. I want to answer none of them, coz I have too many of my own lying unanswered in a corner. I am glad that some of you 'really' know what you want from life. I don't. Every-time I sit down with a pen and paper, write things down and I realize that I have no clue what do I exactly want. One thing although stays common in all these Pen-Paper sessions: Love and Peace of Mind.
I think it is my fault to an extent. I have grown up with my books by my side and my first ever love story was 'The Fountainhead'. I always thought Love begins with a certain amount of conflict, disliking and disagreement. Then I moved on to softer stories, the make-believe ones where they tell you that Love is forever, it never leaves your side and that you should love, not matter if it is reciprocated or not. In real world, I hid my emotions from everyone always. Most of you, who know me in personal life, thanks for being there.... but I know some of you wonder if you still know me. Well, it is nothing to be proud of when I say this... but you don't.
My thirst for 'Peace of mind' comes from the life I have lived. A life which has been an amalgamation of too many short stories. Everyone in my life who is close to me, knows only some of the stories. I always believed that one day I will love madly and be loved back with greater intensity and THAT man would be the one to know it all. Anyways, I guess I need to get out of my teenager's world of dreams. I still want to hold onto love and this beautiful world of mine though.
I have spent so many nights, curling up in bed, wondering and questioning God as to why am I the only one whose prayers are not answered. Why do I have to go through so much pain in life, in every phase? Then, I met some of you. I saw another side of pain and hurt. I know we cannot compare someone's pain with ours, but in some of you I found such brave hearts, who fought every odd and still rose.
I fought a lot of my own battles too, but I thought some day I will be paid off for my perseverance and spirit. I never was, or may be I was too blind to see. I know I still have a wonderful life, friends and dreams that are unattended. I am so lost, I sometimes feel like reaching out to my friends , hug them and cry my heart out. This will do no good, I know.. coz at the end of the day, I am all on my own and I have to find my way out.
I stand here alone as the world walks by, stares at me, sometimes feels sorry, sometimes just laughs at me. No! I am not your sorry-figure.May be today is a day when I stumbled again, when my faith in me is shaken again. But tomorrow, I will get up and walk again. Coz sometimes we have no choice but to NOT give up. I let all of you judge me here.
I know what my problem is though : I give a lot.. but I don't know where to stop. I take way too much shit from people I love... but I don't know when to stop.
I still request everyone reading this : If someone is kind to you, at least 'respect' or 'acknowledge'. People do not demand or expect anything more than that, if they are 'really' kind.
Everyday I tell myself that I will sail through this one too. Some day, my world will take a break from betrayals, disappointments and pain. Probably for a week, for a month, for a year... but I will cherish it. Interestingly we all have the capacity to hurt people and be icy cold to them, but it is a choice that we make. If you cannot be kind to someone, interact with pigs. They may understand, like really.
Also, some of us who take pride in the fact that they trash people who treat them nice. Here is a heartfelt smile for you :)
*Shrugs* If not today, one of these days... but I am gonna find my way out of despair and gain back all that I have lost and some more of it. But all of you who lost me, although am not too precious.. but am special...Sorry about your loss... ;)
