Comfortably Confused

This is one of those days when my mind just wants to turn numb and think abt nothing at all... So many thoughts are running in my mind that I just cant stop it. Like I always say, life is not that complicated but we complicate it all the time. Life is pretty simple actually. Like I shud have told him today itself that I cant marry him... so what I think is before I sleep today, I am going to call him and tell him that I dont love him and that's the reason, I am not going to marry him. If I have to marry for convenience and security, better I marry someone my folks choose. Until or unless am madly in love with you, I can't and will not fight the world for you and leave aside the world, I am not going to talk to my folks about you if I dont love you. No...Nopes...not at all. Okay! I am a self-confessed confused soul. When weird things happen, I lose my calm. I am like all hassled. So when mom says,"Beta, meet this guy, that guy for shaadi". I get all hassled, I talk nonsense, I blabber and I try and find ways to shoo the potential groom away. I work on a battle-plan as to how to make that guy hate me (okay! hate is a strong word), dislike me. A post later on it. And I patent it right here, right now. "HOW TO MAKE A POTENTIAL GROOM DISLIKE YOU". SO DONT YOU DARE COPY MY THOUGHTS, WARNA PATA HAIN NAA... ;) Anyways, yeh sab baad mein... So, as always I donno wat I want in my life. All I know is I dont want to get married. Mom thinks it is a disorder and I will be fine if I get married but I feel you dont need to get married to someone to feel complete. May be, you need that but then, I donno. I dont feel like that right now. I just cant imagine myself moving in with someone, not even a room-mate and MOM, you are talking abt the special species called HUSBAND. Naah! mom... Nopes. Next musibat on my list is my job. Boley toh, life mein jab tension aati hain... ek saath chapar chapar..baras baras aatin hain... I want to work on live projects and my manager asks me to deliver trainings. Not that I blame him but then, I told him abt tht... and our 1-1 turned a bit nasty, coz he told me "You are narrow-minded, I still wonder what did he mean by that? "Narrow-minded as in?? I am not against liberalisation of women and even men, I am perfect with the concept of live-ins...fir narrow minded?? "... *sad feeling*... Koi naa... and I told him how am unhappy and frustrated with what I am doing... and he said "anything else u need to talk abt?", which means "are you done eating up my head?".... :P I thought shud explore some opps in other teams and got some gud ones too... but all are long-term onsites... and since the Shaadi-flu is ON, I cant even take them up. Now, mgr wants to have another 1-1, probably coz he wants to throw me out of the team or may be coz he thinks I am rebelling and he wants to set the things straight once and for all. Ah! peculiar of women, they always get anxious... and it is my habit... I am anxious abt almost 80% things in my life... so if someone wants to talk to me, I assume its for worst...:D :D Bhaggu!! I need to take a chill-pill par yaar aap naa, kabhi koi break nahi detey sahi mein... Abhi, I am praying ki meri naukri naa jaaye... atleast abhi naa jaaye... aur mgr mujhey chattis baatey naa sunaaye... dekho kya hota hain... Gameplan is : - tomorrow gotta call up the guy and tell him... the same old thing.. I don't love you. (see i started with I will tell today and postponed it... confused) - tomorrow gotta prepare a plan to shoo the prospective dulha-log away. - have to keep thinking/guessing what my manager wud want to talk about - have a meeting for a new opportunity - attend a boring training...where in I doze off and I seriously dont understand what the GORA is talking abt - make some more plans abt my not-so-bright future - Get worked up... tense and anxious yet again... Did anyone say? PMS!! Grrrrrrrrrrrrr....Did you?? I feel a lil better now, after writing this up... Before you assume from the pic, I dont look like that, at all... :D :D

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"Some things cost more than you think"

Yeah! Yeah! You'll say she always talks abt changes, KRAANTI, revolution... She asks us to get up, look around, help and blah blah... Ab jab reputation kharaab ho hi gayi.. toh fursat se kharaab kar leti hun :) Last nite while surfing thru channels, I came across a beautiful yet weird video on VH1. It is by THE KILLERS and the song is Good night,Travel Well and in case you wanna watch it, here is the link : http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IoTBclI22Dk I thought it is yet another love-song... but then it SHOCKED me so much that I kept thinking to myself when I was out for my evening walk" WHY?? WHY do people do this to others?"The message at the end says "Some things cost more than you think" and that is so utterly true. Apni Indian society mein, a gal talking abt prostitution and taking their cause is never encouraged. I mean, we all know, it is a taboo in our households. But, being me or to make it sound more apt, being the weird me, I always talk abt it as and when I feel. Coz this is something that has been bothering me, I had no option but to talk it out here. Yet again, I am not going to get in a discussion as to is prostitution justified?? Reason being, if you ask me, I wud never want it to exist coz pata nahi kyun, but somewhere I feel it is the last thing a woman would want to indulge in and for that matter even a man... But then as per studies almost more than 60% women are forced into prostitution much against their will and this video depicts the story of one such woman. Having studied in an engg college, we always heard how a bunch of boys staying outside hostels had sex with prostitutes...some gals were as young as 15 yr old, I wanted to puke when I heard that. In Hyderabad, I was too scared to move out after 9 coz some of the bus-stops are branded as the business areas for them, if by chance your auto takes you from Necklace Road side, you may witness many of them and worst is when we saw a woman (ofcourse she was a call gal) being abused by some politicians kids(laal-batti gaadi thi) on necklace road at arnd 9 pm when we were coming back frm a movie. As always, I tried to shout out but my friend said "Harshita, leave it.Dont forget you are a gal too, Chalo ghar chalo "Hmmm... yahin aake saara maamla thap... It was a very disturbing night for me... cud not sleep,par fir kya hua, kuch nahi.. I carried on with my routine... and once in a while kept wondering, kya hota hoga unn logon ka... :( :( I still think abt the same thing abhi bhi...Seriously, koi kuch bhi kahey... I feel really bad for them... When I was working for AIDS awareness 4yrs back, I came across women, who wud say "Madam, humko sikhaaney ka koi faayda nahi, unko bolo jo humse miltey hain"... Well said... and then we took a session for sweepers,guards, peons, office boys and they shamelessly confessed how they are married and they still visit brothels and they wud never follow protection coz all they seek is pleasure. Hmm... khair... Ab I am not going to judge you or ask you whether you have ever been involved with someone like that... but I appreciate MTV, UNICEF and VH1 for promoting the cause of child-trafficking and prostitution. Kehtey hain naa, rabb sab dekhta hain... Jo jiskey saath jaisa karta hain, waisa milta hain usey... I pray that people get some sense in their head who force kids and women into it and they stop this exploitation that they do in the name of pleasure :( And yet again, I wud say, if you can save someone from this vicious circle of life, save them.... Is-sey achcha kisi ke liye kuch nahi kar saktey yaar... chalo ji... miltey hain.. ciao!!

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"Itz time to change"

Change is constant as they say but sometimes it happens to us and we completely ignore it until someone shakes us up and brings us to the real world. For me, the person who shook me up and made me aware of this change is my brother, Money. All he said was " I was wondering you don't have local friends, you don't go out much..." and then he paused sensing that it will cause a big furor in the house and we decided we will talk abt it later. I knew what he was about to say. This is something that has been bothering me a lot too but I always put in on the back-burner. I could not sleep well last nite thinking about how my life changed in past few years and it worried me. I am more grounded and home-bound now but I was more outgoing and travel-kinda person earlier. I used to meet a lot of people, talk and talk. Now I spend my time working on weekdays,writing exams and cleaning on weekends. I HAVE CHANGED... CHANGED A LOT but I have my reasons. Firstly I thought I should blame it on my age, turning 26 makes you feel more mature which means you are expected to be good at work, get married and be focussed but then I thought it does not mean, I should stop having fun..Naah! I have a job that makes me work from home, if I am not travelling. So in a way its not getting up early morning, dressing up and munching on my breakfast while I run for my cab. I get up late(now), sip on hot water and get to work in my night pyjamas. I dont need to think about what dress to wear, what accessories to match, what shoes and what kinda hair. In short, I know its quiet a boring start to the day and a lazy one too. I know most of us dream about it. :D :D I am at work from 9 in the morning, that means in my own room, at my desk, and the cozy bed lures me now and then to sleep, but I dont. I fix my own breakfast, cook lunch for my family and get back to work again. There are times I work till 2 in the morning, and that's the disadvantage. I am off for my walk at 6pm or at times 8...thanks to some pervs, I now walk on the terrace and not on the road across the street after being groped twice. So again, no going out for walks which means I should get up early morning to do so, which I don't do. Weekends, I spend washing, cleaning and most of the times, writing my MBA exams or writing my IT certifications. Drawback of studying in hostel was that I lost all my friends to various locations across the country and an out of town job gave me a lot of new frenz but then different location-postings made me lose them too. I came back home and the new job made me meet some new people but the work-from-home grounded me completely as my team is worldwide and we have no seats for WW teams. Now, whenever I am in bangalore, I freak out with my frenz and live it up... else it is a very routine thing when I am home. Blame it on my frequent stint with sickness(for those who follow my blog religiously, it is a regular thing to hear abt), I stopped going out coz I was SO bedridden all the time. I CANNOT eat outside food after typhoid, I dont see the need to shop every week coz I dont go OUT for work and partying... it has become a vicious circle that needs to be broken some time soon. Not that I am not happy with life,I am pretty mast with it... just that, my workaholic nature has affected me a lot in past 3 years and I did not notice. All that mattered was WORK, and more WORK. I have missed family weddings, friends weddings and lots of important ocassions coz nothing seemed to appeal to me if it is not related to work. Altogether I realized that my long-term sickness and of-course the weight gain made me go into a shell and create a fence around me, I kept working n working to avoid the feeling of helplessness sickness brought to my life back then. Now, when I know, what has happened to me. I have decided to take one step at a time and look around and appreciate other things in life too. WORK is not everything as someone truly said "On your death-bed, you wudnt think about your job and work, you wud think about LIFE and relationships". I dont want to miss on the wonderful life that it is... I wud want to re-visit and re-invent myself. Today, I free myself from the clutches of my workaholic attitude and my health issues. I deserve it too... and no one else but "I" can change it for me...Thanks Money for making me accept what I saw but did not accept... And for all you workaholics out there, YAAR!! AB TUM BHI JAAG JAAO, MAIN TOH JAAG GAYI :D WAKE UP !!

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Nothing like DESI-pan!! :)

Haanji ;) Aa gayi main fir sey... :D :D I dedicate this post to all the people who say "Iss desh mein kuch nahi rakhkha"... "US/UK jaisi koi jagah nahi" "Mujhey toh phoren hi settle hona hain" "Yaar, wahan ki baat hi kuch aur hain"... I say "CHALO CHALO HATO, SIDE DO.." Aur haan, if someone minds it, post aagey mat padna.By gawd!! main naa, kisi ka dil nahi todna chahti :D :D. Achcha hain tootey... pehley sochna tha... desh se pyaar nahi toh main kya karun...khair chaddo!! While logging on to work today, I got a call from a relative asking me why I am adamant on staying back in India and not marrying a guy abroad and making it tough for my folks.Not for her, but for myself I summed up a few reasons randomly (without thought) and in fun on why INDIA IS THE PLACE especially when we are a day away from our 62nd bday... : 1. Areeeeey yaar!! India mein kho gaye?? No piraaablem!! Paanwaaley, Richshaw-waaley, Theli-waaley, Charas-waaley, Cycle-waaley, Car-waaley...In short itney waaley hain help karney koisi se bhi raasta pooch saktey ho... uski baat hi kuch aur hain.US mein kho gaye?? Bhagwaan bhalaa karey... haan theek hain, I know you have GPS there(uska paisa lagta hain ji), Par wahan bas take left, take right milega.. Apna Hindustani-isshtyle Shortcut kaisey?? hmm... aur GPS naa hua toh...Hindustani All-waalas rock!! 2. Aapki attention chaahungi, MANZ and BOYZ-log, Spitting is dangerous to health and wealth abroad. India mein, arey mast thooko.... No tensssion!! except at few places... 3. MANZ log agree karengey... DESI peti is ONLY available in Hindustan, jab jeb mein ho paisey kum..peeyo desi,RC aur BP... kaun khareedey mehengi rum. 4. LADIEZZ log, U gotta clean,sweep and even attend to your garbage on your own abroad. Saada desh mahaan!! Kaamwaali-bai, koodey-waali bai, kapdey dhoney waali bai,DHOBI,Sabzi waala at your door... :) 5. You don't get awesome street-food ( Chat, paanipuri, pav-bhaaji) pardes mein, the way you get it in India. 6. Desh mein, Every other ladiezz is AUNTY and gentz is UNCLE. (I call my maid Babli-Aunty)Boley toh rishtey aisey hi ban jaatey hain. Abroad, Aunty means AUNTY, you see. Complex!! 7. You forgot your lunch back home, fikar not... Everyone is ready to offer you theirs... "Arey yaar, chal aaj mere saath khaa...aaj main rajma lekey aaya hun"... Pardes mein, you SHOULD buy your own lunch. 8. India mein festivals ki bahaar...chutti-time ki bharmaar... :) Aisi discount-bhari zindagi aur kahaan?? ;) 9. Desh mein, when you are thru a crisis, dost log say"Abey!! itna dimaag ka fry mat kar, main hun naa yaar, jo mera woh tera"...Pardes mein "Why did not you get a medical insurance done"? 10. Desh mein,neighbours are family."Arey beta aaj bittu ki mummy beemar hain, lunch humaarey yahan se jaayega". Pardes mein "who? what? aha! home delivery" ;) "Aunty, humney nayi car li hain, mummy ne mithaayi di hain"...Pardes mein... Nayi car?? Big deal!! 11. Desh mein, people stand up and fight for one person, even when they don't know you well. Pardes mein, who cares abt u... 12. Desh mein, bindaas life hain...u dont have a bro or a sis... fikar not... Rakhi time and you will have enuff of them to call ur own. 13. We have the awesomest (yes, I knw grammatical error) educationists, engineers and jobs. India is recession proof ab tak. 14. India mein paisa kamaana aasan, yaa toh chat ki dukaan khol lo yaar kuch aur nahi toh TV actor ban jaao. 15. India mein: we shout,dance,jump and live it up for a month on a wedding,mundan and even on a promotion, ENJAAYMENT ke liye reason chahiye bas. Pardes mein feeki-fooki wedding :) :) 16. India mein... arey yaar... Punjab hain, Kerala hain, Bengal hain, Mumbai hain... aur kitni saari cities jo khud mein kamaal aur malaamaal hain... 17. Arey humaarey daily ke Heer-Raanjha ke saamney(pados waaley, dilli waaley)... feekey hain Romeo-Juliet.. :D :D (faaltu-giri) 18. India mein, jaaney tu yaa jaaney naa... fir bhi blogger dost se bhi tujhey super-pyaar hain... agar aaj usey bukhaar hain.. toh tu get well soon ke ecard ke saath taiyaar hain... :D :D 19. By gawd, animals ko itni izzat kisi aur country mein nahi milti... we worship cows, we feed crows,kabutars, dogs,cats for PUNYAA-KAMAAYEE. 20. We accept every culture and religion with open arms(leave aside politicians here)... aur fir, humaari mehmaan-nawaazi ki toh baat hi kuch aur hain. 21. Desh mein, you can scold ur kid to set things right, pardes mein "Dad how dare you touch me?? Am calling cops" 22. Desh mein, "Mom actually...well...mom... u see... Rohan... actually...I...we...mom... he wants to marry me, what do u say"... Pardes mein "Hi mom, we got married, herez our kid... isnt Rohan hot??" ROFL... (that was exaggerated)... hehehe 23. Desh mein, you have nothing to do?? BEG!! BEG!! BEG!! easiest thing to do. Pardes mein...Ahem! Ahem! 24. Desh mein, Eunuchs dance...threaten and celebrate when you are happy... Pardes mein.. Chaddo!! *Not talking abt it* 25. DEDICATED TO ABHINAV(AD)... Desh mein Rakhi Sawant hain, aur kahaan?? :D :D In short, Mera Desh Mahaan... aur Ji mere ko toh bahut garv hain ispey... :) Main yahin khush hun...theek hain I get angry at times.. par apna...apna hain... :) :) SO WHAT ARE YOUR REASONS?? ADD-UP!!

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Moment of Realization

Sometimes you have one of those usual weeeks and one of those usual days but its upto you to make them un-usual or special as they say...

I have thought quiet a bit in past 2-3 days, not that deep thinking I must say... but some sort of thinking... and I know things have changed... changed somehow.

I no more want to lose weight just coz the whole world wants me to get married... I want to(infact, to correct it) I AM, working towards it coz I WANT TO look beautiful and feel good/fit about myself.

I understand I have lost some years of my life in fixing it(life) up, instead, I cud have just lived it up all those years.

I know now that I somewhere deep inside don't understand marriage and it is absolutely normal to feel that way. You don't marry coz everybody does, you marry coz YOU want to.

I realised I am ambitious and I DO want to make it big someday. May be end up as someone who will be remembered for all the good and SOME bad things... ;)

I now understand that I am HAPPY when I want to be... I know I can make jokes, laugh at them like crazy even when people dont make them for me. :) In short, now I know, I don't need someone to be happy... I have it all in me.

I now realise that I have so much in me that I left un-recognized. I just did not notice that I AM SPECIAL. Probably, in this race called life, I left myself way behind and when I stopped to catch a breath all I did was rush back there and get myself back together again ;) DONNO IF IT MAKES SENSE TO YOU!!

I now realise that I am a good person but I have to get better...

I know now, that the time is less and there is so much to do in this one life... and I am going to make the most of it.

I understand that sometimes all that matters to me is to make everyone smile around me... it kinda makes me feel content and alive.

I know now, who are my friends and who are not... So I will still help people, the way I did... but I will only love the few good ones ;)

I know now that people pull you down coz all they want is to be YOU...

I donno something inside me makes me feel positive and tells me.. that it is one of those times when things change... and this time they've changed for good...

Did you try finding out something great about urself today?Did you smile today?? If not, DO THAT right now. :)

Arey haan! HAPPY FRIENDSHIP DAY, YAAR!! ;) Bhool gayi thi... :D... Hope u guys had a fun weekend.

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