How did we get here?

I have become a bitter person. I don't smile as much. I don't love that deeply anymore. That's the truth.

I no longer trust anyone, I no longer feel the love, I no longer feel like I can speak my mind anymore without being judged. I feel trapped. Trapped by my own expectations from people, Trapped by my expectations from me. I wish we could change lives like we do with our clothes. The moment you are tired of the way of life, you could just go to a store and get a new one for yourself.

The people I felt really close to have one by one let me down in one way or another. and I know it happens to every single person. I no longer feel I can connect with anyone. I am a friend to many, but no one is a friend of mine anymore. There is so much inside me that I want to say, but I cannot because I will end up losing something/someone for sure.

Losing my Dad has been more taxing than I ever thought it would be. I have spent considerable amount of time in my life fearing the loss of my parents and being anxious over it, before I actually lost my Dad for real. Life is tough now. I know there are people who have nothing and they still do not complain and I have most of what other people don't and I still am struggling.

My Dad was my protective cover from the world. He always knew what to do in a situation. If I did not know how to go about something, he always had the answers. It is difficult trying to live without him. I have no idea how my mom is managing, how much pain she is going through. Like most of us in the family, she does a perfectly good job of hiding her pain to avoid hurting others.

I want to go somewhere...anywhere. I have always been telling myself that I am happy..."Life is not a bed of roses, but I am happy". Today probably it is the first time, I don't feel like that. I am no longer lying to myself. I am VERY unhappy. I am bitter. I feel like life has been unfair to me. I feel like I gave so much love and I was shortchanged. I need to get out of this loop. 

I no longer relate to this life I am living, neither to the people around me. 

I stare at the bright sun outside my window and wonder to myself -- How did we get here?


AB March 19, 2018 at 9:15 AM  

Answer is: It is okay and it doesn't matter.

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