It will get better..

This is my shout-out to all those of you trying to sail through lives, sometimes wondering about it and sometimes just hanging in there. It will get better, people. It will.

I have been dreaming about Daddy almost every day. It's like he leaves these secret messages for me every day and I try to make sense of them. Last night, he told me this - "This fear that you have, it is all in your mind. There is nothing to fear. It's all your imagination. There is nothing called fear for real".

I am trying to make sense of it, trying to get the context. I can't. But somehow I feel he is watching me, he is fixing it up for me like he always does.

Oh God! I miss him so much. When does it stop hurting? Worst is no one wants to hear it. Everyone wants to avoid you when you talk of death and dead people. 

Anyways, not that someone listening to my ranting will fix my pain, but sometimes it is good to have someone to talk to.

People think if you are smiling, if you are getting on with your daily routine..everything is normal. Nope it never is. 

Some days I want to yell out to people, Hello!! I am dying inside, can you please save me? can you please stop this pain? The hollow that I have inside me. 

May sound depressing..but I wait to sleep so I can see my daddy for real in my dreams. In my dreams, I can touch him, I can hear him speak..I can be there WITH him..

Sigh!! It will get better.. Yes, it will.. someday

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Never Give up!

Hello! from the other side.

I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life together. How about you?

Things have eventually started to go on reversal mode, not in full swing..but VERY slowly and VERY gradually. It also might be because I changed my perspective a little bit and I am taking even the smallest of positive moment in my life and making it into a bigger one.

You always have to find a way to deal with life coz that's how it's always going to be. Something somewhere is going to go wrong and you cant just keep sitting over it and sulking.

Also, may be now I am in survival mode. Can't say. But the moment I got to the last of the news that things are going down south, my heart started pounding and I told myself "See, now you have nothing to lose, so give it all in" and the survivor in me roared.

I am glad this happened. A lot of people I am meeting these days tell me I am "daring" "strong" and all that.. but honestly it is just a facade. I still wet my pillows every night thinking about my father, every single day.

Sometimes I am completely engrossed in something at work and it strikes me, I don't have my Daddy anymore.

But yeah! I get up every single day with a hope to do something that would make him happy wherever he is. Sometimes I fail, Sometimes I succeed.

The point is NEVER GIVE UP coz Daddy never did. He tried to live even when he was taking his last breath. He tried, but God had other plans. 

About my relationship with God, I am completely indifferent. God has hurt me..and she has to find a way for me and my family to heal.

My heart breaks for my mom every day, she always had this spark in her eyes.. so much spunk..and it is all gone coz the man she lived for, is not around any more. 

Anyways, I can go on for hours about how deep this cut is or how severe this pain is. It is not going to heal anything. 

Take care..and Live it up coz all that you have is TODAY.

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Negative - Positive

I don't want to sound negative and all but things are going down south in every damn way. So let's take this example, there is this simple task I do everyday - Take tomatoes out of my refrigerator for cooking. In past 2 years of doing that with this same refrigerator it has never happened once that I hit my head, but yesterday IT happened and it was so bad. My head still hurts.

I sometimes feel like the Bruce in 'Bruce Almighty' but then I would never want to run this world and play God. I am sure that's a challenging task to do.

Slowly and Gradually, I am losing all the self-confidence that I had. I doubt myself too much, I feel too guilty for not playing the roles I am supposed to in others' lives the way I should, I blame myself for way too many things. 

Everyone I meet tells me that I am overly-apologetic (more than the Britishers) and too hard on myself. Every single person...from my best friend to my swimming coach to my driving instructor. 

You know somehow you get a feeling that you will screw up everything even before attempting to do it. THAT!

May be I need a holiday or May be I need to give myself a break?

Where did all my confidence go? Where did the girl who always believed in herself go?

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Dear God, We are breaking up!!

Dear God, you know what? It's not funny anymore. You can't just keep doing this to me. You just cant keep ruining me like this, stalling me and making me suffer. This is just NOT done. Why is it that I have to lose everything I love, to actually 'live' through this life.

This does not make sense. I can't be patient anymore. You took away the only man I loved the most in my life, My Dad and left me numb. I did not even bother to talk to you then. Now you are screwing me professionally and personally while I am still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. What's the point of this all? The point of having this relationship with you, when all I am supposed to do is keep begging for stuff to go this way, that way.. a relationship where I always have to be deep shit scared of what life will bring next..what you would send my way.

This is not working. You cannot just do this to me anymore. Crushing each and every dream of mine beneath your feet. I won't take this lying down anymore. I am going to put everything I have in making things right. I always believed that we have a relationship where we understand each other. But I don't understand you anymore, and neither do you. How can you be so heartless and ruthless? How can you be so mean to me? What have I done to piss you off?

You can't just throw everything at me at once. I am but only human. I can take as much. 

Either you have to right these wrongs or we are done. I know Daddy won't ever be back. That's okay. I will accept it some day. May be some day I will stop hurting like I do. I am sitting at my desk at work, on the verge of tears and writing this. This is my last call to save our relationship. I don't want us to go bad. But I can't help it anymore. You can't just keep sucking the life out of my life and expecting me to keep loving you. That's just not done.

And before I go, I just want you to know..I really loved you. I think what we had was special. I don't know anymore. 

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