How did we get here?

I have become a bitter person. I don't smile as much. I don't love that deeply anymore. That's the truth.
I no longer trust anyone, I no longer feel the love, I no longer feel like I can speak my mind anymore without being judged. I feel trapped. Trapped by my own expectations from people, Trapped by my expectations from me. I wish we could change lives like we do with our clothes. The moment you are tired of the way of life, you could just go to a store and get a new one for yourself.

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It will get better..

This is my shout-out to all those of you trying to sail through lives, sometimes wondering about it and sometimes just hanging in there. It will get better, people. It will.
I have been dreaming about Daddy almost every day. It's like he leaves these secret messages for me every day and I try to make sense of them. Last night, he told me this - "This fear that you have, it is all in your mind. There is nothing to fear. It's all your imagination. There is nothing called fear for real".

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Never Give up!

Hello! from the other side.
I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life together. How about you?
Things have eventually started to go on reversal mode, not in full swing..but VERY slowly and VERY gradually. It also might be because I changed my perspective a little bit and I am taking even the smallest of positive moment in my life and making it into a bigger one.

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Negative - Positive

I don't want to sound negative and all but things are going down south in every damn way. So let's take this example, there is this simple task I do everyday - Take tomatoes out of my refrigerator for cooking. In past 2 years of doing that with this same refrigerator it has never happened once that I hit my head, but yesterday IT happened and it was so bad. My head still hurts.
I sometimes feel like the Bruce in 'Bruce Almighty' but then I would never want to run this world and play God. I am sure that's a challenging task to do.

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Dear God, We are breaking up!!

Dear God, you know what? It's not funny anymore. You can't just keep doing this to me. You just cant keep ruining me like this, stalling me and making me suffer. This is just NOT done. Why is it that I have to lose everything I love, to actually 'live' through this life.
This does not make sense. I can't be patient anymore. You took away the only man I loved the most in my life, My Dad and left me numb. I did not even bother to talk to you then. Now you are screwing me professionally and personally while I am still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. What's the point of this all? The point of having this relationship with you, when all I am supposed to do is keep begging for stuff to go this way, that way.. a relationship where I always have to be deep shit scared of what life will bring next..what you would send my way.

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Change is just around the corner.

There are so many things on my mind right now. In a few days, I will make new beginnings. I am forcing this change upon me, because I want to move beyond my comfort zone and do things that challenge me. Nope, it is no mid-life crisis.
But I guess turning 30+ has its own side-effects. There are so many things that did not make sense to me earlier and now when I think about them I see clarity. I still don't think that I am anywhere close to being a grown up though.

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Honesty is NOT the best policy...

You know, today I was just sitting and watching the kids play outside and I realized that the reason life is easier as a kid is coz you are born without any filters. You speak your mind and nobody really judges you. But then all these older people come in and they start teaching you --"Beta, don't say this...don't say that" I know! I know! all they want is for us to know is that sometimes we should not say a couple of things to avoid hurting other people, but then isn't that being dishonest.

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