How did we get here?

I have become a bitter person. I don't smile as much. I don't love that deeply anymore. That's the truth.

I no longer trust anyone, I no longer feel the love, I no longer feel like I can speak my mind anymore without being judged. I feel trapped. Trapped by my own expectations from people, Trapped by my expectations from me. I wish we could change lives like we do with our clothes. The moment you are tired of the way of life, you could just go to a store and get a new one for yourself.

The people I felt really close to have one by one let me down in one way or another. and I know it happens to every single person. I no longer feel I can connect with anyone. I am a friend to many, but no one is a friend of mine anymore. There is so much inside me that I want to say, but I cannot because I will end up losing something/someone for sure.

Losing my Dad has been more taxing than I ever thought it would be. I have spent considerable amount of time in my life fearing the loss of my parents and being anxious over it, before I actually lost my Dad for real. Life is tough now. I know there are people who have nothing and they still do not complain and I have most of what other people don't and I still am struggling.

My Dad was my protective cover from the world. He always knew what to do in a situation. If I did not know how to go about something, he always had the answers. It is difficult trying to live without him. I have no idea how my mom is managing, how much pain she is going through. Like most of us in the family, she does a perfectly good job of hiding her pain to avoid hurting others.

I want to go somewhere...anywhere. I have always been telling myself that I am happy..."Life is not a bed of roses, but I am happy". Today probably it is the first time, I don't feel like that. I am no longer lying to myself. I am VERY unhappy. I am bitter. I feel like life has been unfair to me. I feel like I gave so much love and I was shortchanged. I need to get out of this loop. 

I no longer relate to this life I am living, neither to the people around me. 

I stare at the bright sun outside my window and wonder to myself -- How did we get here?

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It will get better..

This is my shout-out to all those of you trying to sail through lives, sometimes wondering about it and sometimes just hanging in there. It will get better, people. It will.

I have been dreaming about Daddy almost every day. It's like he leaves these secret messages for me every day and I try to make sense of them. Last night, he told me this - "This fear that you have, it is all in your mind. There is nothing to fear. It's all your imagination. There is nothing called fear for real".

I am trying to make sense of it, trying to get the context. I can't. But somehow I feel he is watching me, he is fixing it up for me like he always does.

Oh God! I miss him so much. When does it stop hurting? Worst is no one wants to hear it. Everyone wants to avoid you when you talk of death and dead people. 

Anyways, not that someone listening to my ranting will fix my pain, but sometimes it is good to have someone to talk to.

People think if you are smiling, if you are getting on with your daily routine..everything is normal. Nope it never is. 

Some days I want to yell out to people, Hello!! I am dying inside, can you please save me? can you please stop this pain? The hollow that I have inside me. 

May sound depressing..but I wait to sleep so I can see my daddy for real in my dreams. In my dreams, I can touch him, I can hear him speak..I can be there WITH him..

Sigh!! It will get better.. Yes, it will.. someday

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Never Give up!

Hello! from the other side.

I am trying to pick up the pieces of my life together. How about you?

Things have eventually started to go on reversal mode, not in full swing..but VERY slowly and VERY gradually. It also might be because I changed my perspective a little bit and I am taking even the smallest of positive moment in my life and making it into a bigger one.

You always have to find a way to deal with life coz that's how it's always going to be. Something somewhere is going to go wrong and you cant just keep sitting over it and sulking.

Also, may be now I am in survival mode. Can't say. But the moment I got to the last of the news that things are going down south, my heart started pounding and I told myself "See, now you have nothing to lose, so give it all in" and the survivor in me roared.

I am glad this happened. A lot of people I am meeting these days tell me I am "daring" "strong" and all that.. but honestly it is just a facade. I still wet my pillows every night thinking about my father, every single day.

Sometimes I am completely engrossed in something at work and it strikes me, I don't have my Daddy anymore.

But yeah! I get up every single day with a hope to do something that would make him happy wherever he is. Sometimes I fail, Sometimes I succeed.

The point is NEVER GIVE UP coz Daddy never did. He tried to live even when he was taking his last breath. He tried, but God had other plans. 

About my relationship with God, I am completely indifferent. God has hurt me..and she has to find a way for me and my family to heal.

My heart breaks for my mom every day, she always had this spark in her eyes.. so much spunk..and it is all gone coz the man she lived for, is not around any more. 

Anyways, I can go on for hours about how deep this cut is or how severe this pain is. It is not going to heal anything. 

Take care..and Live it up coz all that you have is TODAY.

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Negative - Positive

I don't want to sound negative and all but things are going down south in every damn way. So let's take this example, there is this simple task I do everyday - Take tomatoes out of my refrigerator for cooking. In past 2 years of doing that with this same refrigerator it has never happened once that I hit my head, but yesterday IT happened and it was so bad. My head still hurts.

I sometimes feel like the Bruce in 'Bruce Almighty' but then I would never want to run this world and play God. I am sure that's a challenging task to do.

Slowly and Gradually, I am losing all the self-confidence that I had. I doubt myself too much, I feel too guilty for not playing the roles I am supposed to in others' lives the way I should, I blame myself for way too many things. 

Everyone I meet tells me that I am overly-apologetic (more than the Britishers) and too hard on myself. Every single person...from my best friend to my swimming coach to my driving instructor. 

You know somehow you get a feeling that you will screw up everything even before attempting to do it. THAT!

May be I need a holiday or May be I need to give myself a break?

Where did all my confidence go? Where did the girl who always believed in herself go?

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Dear God, We are breaking up!!

Dear God, you know what? It's not funny anymore. You can't just keep doing this to me. You just cant keep ruining me like this, stalling me and making me suffer. This is just NOT done. Why is it that I have to lose everything I love, to actually 'live' through this life.

This does not make sense. I can't be patient anymore. You took away the only man I loved the most in my life, My Dad and left me numb. I did not even bother to talk to you then. Now you are screwing me professionally and personally while I am still trying to pick up the pieces of my life. What's the point of this all? The point of having this relationship with you, when all I am supposed to do is keep begging for stuff to go this way, that way.. a relationship where I always have to be deep shit scared of what life will bring next..what you would send my way.

This is not working. You cannot just do this to me anymore. Crushing each and every dream of mine beneath your feet. I won't take this lying down anymore. I am going to put everything I have in making things right. I always believed that we have a relationship where we understand each other. But I don't understand you anymore, and neither do you. How can you be so heartless and ruthless? How can you be so mean to me? What have I done to piss you off?

You can't just throw everything at me at once. I am but only human. I can take as much. 

Either you have to right these wrongs or we are done. I know Daddy won't ever be back. That's okay. I will accept it some day. May be some day I will stop hurting like I do. I am sitting at my desk at work, on the verge of tears and writing this. This is my last call to save our relationship. I don't want us to go bad. But I can't help it anymore. You can't just keep sucking the life out of my life and expecting me to keep loving you. That's just not done.

And before I go, I just want you to know..I really loved you. I think what we had was special. I don't know anymore. 

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Change is just around the corner.

There are so many things on my mind right now. In a few days, I will make new beginnings. I am forcing this change upon me, because I want to move beyond my comfort zone and do things that challenge me. Nope, it is no mid-life crisis.

But I guess turning 30+ has its own side-effects. There are so many things that did not make sense to me earlier and now when I think about them I see clarity. I still don't think that I am anywhere close to being a grown up though.

I just hope that whatever change is coming my way, makes me a better person :)

Meanwhile, I have decided to cut-off a bit from people I have given the capacity to hurt me. I think sometimes when you give too much, it loses its importance and people stop respecting limits.

This is time, I take a step back and spend some time turning inwards. Loving myself.

Need good wishes. Hope you guys are all doing awesome.

Mast raho, Dilchasp Raho!!

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Honesty is NOT the best policy...

You know, today I was just sitting and watching the kids play outside and I realized that the reason life is easier as a kid is coz you are born without any filters. You speak your mind and nobody really judges you. But then all these older people come in and they start teaching you --"Beta, don't say this...don't say that" I know! I know! all they want is for us to know is that sometimes we should not say a couple of things to avoid hurting other people, but then isn't that being dishonest.


I mean I myself walk on a very thin line when it comes to such stuff. I am a really sensitive person so I do understand that I have to think a 100 times to say something unpleasant to someone, so I would try to make it seem like a concern or a compliment or probably sugar-coat it a bit. But with people I really really care about, I just walk up to them and I am really blunt..It's like "Hello!! why are you wearing that brown lipstick,Ewwwwwww?" or "Hey! I think that guy is using you for money"..

Trust me, I never gained anything out of being honest and blunt & neither did I by being polite and sensitive. It's like people are stupid. They want you to be honest, but at their convenience. They want you to be sensitive but then they want you to speak the truth coz you know, "You are my friend" or "you are my family".

I am one of those stupid people myself. I just can't find a balance between honesty and being sensitive. And I know my husband is always at the receiving end coz of that. You can't choose one, it's a lot to do with timing I think.

All in all, in today's world, people do not appreciate honesty much. It's like "You know HKM, man!! she is crazy weird man!! she is just too honest man! not for this world..not for this world".. hahahahahaha..

But then, I like being weird..that's just me. I am this whole package and I am not for everyone. If you have me for a friend or for family, trust me to hold you back when I know you are jumping in a well or to slap you hard out of a stupid decision. Oops!! just metaphorically...

Like right now I wanna be really honest towards whoever is reading this. Guys!! you remember people who bullied you in school and college..or probably did not even know that you existed..?? Do you? and now how they want to be your bestest friends on every social media network. I am like what the hell, I know how evil you are..and have been and that's never gonna change... so why bother?

Also, people with no sense of humor, please steer clear of my blog..friends with me or not friends with me.

I am too old to bother with the justification shit..read it at your own risk...and if you get offended, please don't bother me with it...

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