Gotta LIVE before I die...

For those who are expecting it to be a fun-post...naah! it is not...so if you are already depressed or sad, dont read this one... I dont want to be blamed for your Monday Blues....

Sometimes there are things that happen and make you sit back in silence and reflect over your life. There is another death in the family after February when my Tauji, my dad's cousin passed away. This time, its my dad's older-cousin's wife.

The family is in shock and completely taken aback with the twists God has provided. Two losses in a family in just 4 months is a tragedy one can hardly get over.

Just like Abhinav, I am also hesitant to approach people who are in grief. I donno how to tell them that "Everythingz gonna be alrite" when I know that nothing is and will be alrite after someone they loved, left them forever. How do I face them?? I donno. I avoid such places but I donno for how long. Mom says till you are not married its okay but once the responsibility falls upon your shoulder, you can't shy away from attending funerals or condolences. :(

How we wish that nothing bad should happen to our loved ones and such incidents fill you with fear for your family... at least it does that for me.

Some people are so insensitive...I informed my colleague abt this and she said ignorantly, not even acknowledging my grief "So when are you back to work? I have to assign the work to you as I am going on leave for my marriage". I asked her " Did you read what I typed?". She said "Yes. That is why I am asking you, I need to email the manager that you will do my share of work when I am away".

I wanted to jump out of the chat window and smash her face right there... A mere "Sorry" or " Wish you peace at heart" would have made me feel better but well, in this professional era, you cannot expect people to have any sensitivity. Funda is " everyday someone dies, work can never wait".

I wonder, I work for such people, I work WITH such people... Daah! Creepy souls..

Now,I sit back and reflect."Have I LIVED my life all these years??"... The answer without any more thinking is "NO". I used to LIVE my life till few years back... but I have been mechanically pushing myself in and out of troubles and happiness. All I think about is WORK... Even when I am chatting with my friends, listening to my mom talk about my marriage or her skool or anything like that, I keep thinking about my work at the back of my mind.

I am spoilt with the burden of responsibilites(not pushed on me by anyone), the urge to make money for a secure future, the compulsion to live upto others' expectations and I have lost my urge to dream and work towards my dream somewhere mid-way.

I have lost the enthusiasm I once had that said "I am gonna make my dreams come true". My dreams are on a backburner now and the reality of life is staring at me obscenely and I have no choice but to smile back at it.

It is in a way good to know that I still feel real and I still know where am I wrong and I have not yet joined the league of some mechanical people who live like machines and one day they create a void of feelings... a void they're never able to fill.

I want to live every moment I missed on. Today, I think more than any deadlines and performance reviews, I want to work towards MY life and MY dreams. Because its never too late to live your dreams and I am going to take my first step today in some or the other way. Probably to start with, I will learn to say 'NO'...something I have not said to anyone for a long long time.

I am nervous as hell, I feel guilty too... but I HAVE to LIVE before I DIE... I want to spend time with my family and folks... I just cant let these moments go for work... I really can't...coz time does not wait for anyone... I need to tell the people I love that I love them... I need to make some people feel really special...oh! there is so much to do... and such a short span of time...