A little something you should know about me...

 

I curse such days...why do we even have them...when everything goes just wrong...but then I tell myself, be it.

This year too I have not been promoted as I see it and I am still slogging like anything. People around me are worried about me and concerned, and I do see that.

Some think that I should stop my career bullshit right here and live like NORMAL gals do. Frankly, I donno what sets apart a normal gal and a gal who thinks she also deserves appreciation n has the right to dream.

I mean like the guys in the house, am I not allowed to think about moving ahead and succeeding in my job but *shrugs* I think like everyone else in the family, some day I will also bury all my dreams for what a NORMAL gal does.

It is not that I love slogging or this life where I am sitting in front of my laptop and doing all sorts of stuff with data,codes and graphics. 

I should have taken the Geek comment from the Canadian co-passenger as a wake-up call, I did not. Working in horrendous hours and almost all timezones, I look nothing short of a zombie. I am sure one of these days, someone from the family will dump me in the Loreal Clinic nearby to do what NORMAL gals do. ;)

*Sigh* Frankly, it has been days that I had that good look at myself in the mirror to bother about the acne or THAT chicken pox mark I had or even crib about my weight.

They call it disrespecting oneself. Sometimes, people around me feel that I am secretly killing myself by working like this. I have no excuse, frankly. *shrugs*

Work has always been my anti-dote for everything going wrong and I always come running back to its arms coz it challenges me so much and gives my mind so much to do that I hardly worry about anything else.24 hours seem short. 

Deep inside, like every NORMAL gal, I do want a spa break or to hang out with friends...Go and see around... but I ran to work to beat loneliness and now I love it.

Someone trying to enter my walls is nothing short of an intruder. I have been pushing a lot of people away from me knowingly and unknowingly.May be as they say, sometimes you are hurt so bad that you turn cold to everyone else around you.

I love listening to people, helping them out and I really do cherish all such friends but when it comes to talking about me....I do talk... but somehow I start moving away from the people I talk my heart out too. I don't know if it my fault or theirs. But it is a pattern. I am sure some of you who are reading this and my offline frenz too,understand it.

It is very hard to hold me back at such moments. Those who manage to understand that it is not that am rude, it is just that vulenrability in my character irks me, STAY!. The others move on by of course blaming it all on me. 

I don't expect those people to understand me. I am sometimes completely with u and at times I disappear all of a sudden. Not coz you scare me...just coz I am like this. My vulnerability irks me, binds me and restricts me... and to escape it, I run away.

I think by far, this is my most open post... I think after a huge battle with myself, I have finally accepted it. And again, this post is not written so you understand me.It is just what came to my mind at this hour.

I hate this side of me. When someone starts getting to close to me or vice-versa, I escape. I am sure my THAT friend is reading this post, I told you once, that I may walk-out anytime but you will have to stop me. I donno how long you can manage to do that or so can others...but THIS side of me, I could not get rid of.

I hate dependency on anyone...I hate being affected by someone or expecting someone to understand me. I am sick of this side of me. Wish I could be more transparent and forthcoming to people. I can be your best friend but why can't I let you be mine?

I have put in a lot of effort to be self-dependent and be happy with myself. I think I am way past the times when I could let anyone take care of me. Now, I cry my own tears and I wipe them on my own. NO! Don't pity me. I am not unhappy as presumed. :)

I am happy with who I am today and no I don't need to shout it to anyone but I do know that some part of me died, it did, gradually. I cannot bring it back. I think it is all a part of growing up. Experiences change you and Mine changed me.

For friends, I am still the same person. So if am not sharing things with you, it does not mean I love you less. It just means that I am like that. For me each friend of mine, matters a lot and am thankful to each one of you.

Note : I am replying to comments in the morning. I am sorry for not doing that in time.

Pic : http://files.myopera.com/Rimikio-Kanka/blog/lonely-devianart-com.jpg