Out of the Clutches

I opened my Yahoo Mailbox just like that after almost 2 days and while I was busy deleting all the Astrology Mails and some job-alerts, I came across a name I had never forgotten ofcourse, I had to run thru the Inbox twice to make sure it was HER.

"What?She has mailed me... that too, a reply to some social site invite I sent....Ah! Weird. Why wud I do that? Why now?" I had mailed her couple of times 2yrs back but she never responded then, why wud I ever send her an invite again....I am not the one to cling to people who usually don't bother to stay frenz. I opened the email thinking it wud be her telling me, not to send her such crap on her official id as she does not give a damn if I exist or not...I selected the mail without reading it and almost clicked on delete, when something stopped me and I thought,"Watever, even if it spoils my day. Let me see how much anguish does she hold even now?"(Typical curiosity of mine)

I opened the mail and read thru it, it talked abt how she thinks that I did not send the request but she got it by some fault on the networking site, but still she accepted it and if I wud want I cud delete it.I was like,"OK"...and As I proceed further she wrote abt how she sent me an invite too but it never reached me. Later she metioned that if I was still reading the mail and did not plan to delete it before reading the rest, she wud like me to knw that we both had differences and were angry at each other but now she thought we shud forget it and start as frenz again as frenz do fight but they get back together.

I was completely amazed at her reaction or let me say action.

Its been 2 yrs eversince I left THE city after a series of ditches and back-stabbing stuff to get my life together. We became frenz in the same city and later,many things followed. Usual misuderstandings, some difference of opinions, some immature stuff and things I wud rather not think abt now. I lost a lot...a lot...as I already talked abt in my earlier posts.I tried getting in touch with her even after she left India but she did not respond and I am not one of those people who love to beg for attention. Damn! I have some ego ;)Watever, its past now and it made me learn a lot. I promised myself 2 yrs back I wud never let anything or anyone frm those 2 yrs come back to me.

One thing I learnt and talked abt in my earlier posts too is acceptance. I accepted a lot in past 2 years but few things I cud not accept. What she did ,was one of them.But, I told myself after reading this mail,"You have two choices, let it be jus like that n hold on to the past or Mail her back and forgive watever happened and accept it". I chose the latter.I chose to move on and forgive. I accepted my mistakes and hers too in our friendship and I decided to mail her back.

I did. I wrote to her what I truly felt coz until then even I did not know what I truly felt.I still thought I had grudges and a few seconds of soul-searching did it for me.They say,"Sometimes it takes 30 seconds to decide what you want". I know I want peace, peace with myself and want to get rid of the feeling of being unforgiving and holding grudges.I told her that I wished best for her and she had all my support and wishes. The person of extremes that I am, I know I will always be there for her. Life is funny, it all comes back to you someday.

Frankly, therez nothing as peaceful as unburdening oneself from past. I did away with some part of it and I feel great. Its a gr8 feeling to forgive, to accept and to welcome frenz back in ur life. I may or may not be as pally with her as I was but I am sure we both can be frenz.

I hope this will help me in moving a step forward in life and not a step back. Great! I have left some part of my past behind and I feel lighter...Much lighter.

The past is out of my clutches rather I wud say I am out of the past's clutches.

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Living under the GUN

Brutal...Gruesome...Inhuman....

All these words are not enuff to define the UP Police's treatment to the man who died as a victim of police firing while the innocent farmers who were protesting for their land in Greater Noida were being shot at it and their shooting at the farmers.

These adjectives are not enough even for the treatment meted out by the people of J&K . We have had many examples in the past : A factory in Gurgaon, Various Silent Protests where innocent people were shot at and lathi-charged, Nandigram and there wud have been many...Some of them were covered by Indian Media and some were just ignored....People kept dying and we watched silently.

Even if some voices were raised, they were suppressed forever. This is no Hindi Cinema, THIS IS REAL LIFE.

All news channels carried just two main news-pieces today,Greater Noida Police firing and Trafffic Jams by VHP and BJP in NCR, Mumbai and Delhi. Mom is travelling to Mumbai today via train and I am so worried about her and Sunny...I have absolutely no faith in our system and security now.

I am fed up of these stupid protests by all these political parties...aboslute nonsense... We don't want them to do that for us...The common man suffers the whole day...Just coz of these jams people taken to the hospitals die on their way...Endless wait ends with death!!

For god's sake, we have had enuff of turmoil in the country for past few months. We have seen it all: bomb blasts,violence,corruption,killing for money, women being sexually assaulted, Child-abuse convicts being acquitted...and more of shit...

All we want right now is our unity and calm.We don't need no political party to go there and declare war for us...Nopes...Frankly, I wonder if the common man gives a damn to all this crap of Whom does the land belong to? Who gave money to whom?. We need peace and harmony. Rather than leading the nation in this direction, the politics of the country is leading us towards doom.

Before we cud just gear up to celebrate Abhinav Bindra's excellence in Beijing Olympics and our 61 years of Independence, our country started burning again...Where will it end is what I ask everytime?And I am left with no answers...

I cud hear the TV reporter cry while he was talking abt people being shot at...and left on the road to die...I donno wat else shud I say. Wish I cud just go out there and make everything alrite... :(

Is this a democracy? Is this humanity?Is this is what 61 years of Independence mean?

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Expression is all that it takes...

With not much to do today as I am still on leave, I decided to read thru my favourite blogs and I stumbled upon a post that made me think.I am anyways, a BIG thinker and I don't need any triggers to do that... :)

Still, Nidhi's post(http://nidhimangal.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-wonder.html) made me write THIS post.

She has asked many questions abt why people end up neglecting someone who is suffering for a long time, why they end up reducing their 100% dedication to lowers as days pass, why do we need a Valentine's day to express love,why do we long for the gone,why do we realise someone's worth only once they are no more in our lives...

When I first read the post, I was so taken aback with the flow of questions but she made me think...and I promised her that I am gonna post my thoughts abt her post on my blog... :)

I have been lying low with typhoid and fever for a month now and I have started being such a sorry creature offlate...I expect everyone in the house to think abt me, ask me how am I feeling, take care of my room, my food and all that I want. I am sure many of us do the same when they are sick for a long time, I am acting really spoilt within. ;)

Sometimes we end up feeling neglected by people who matter the most to us...Everybody has a reason of their own...I believe that sometime when in sickness or pain we create a comfort zone around us where we end up stuck in the lows and all we demand is attention, love and care. And to come out of it, all we need is to know tht someone is thr but WE HAVE TO DO IT ALONE.

My dad has always left me alone to fight in the middle of a problem ( he is not my enemy, itz just tht he wants me to take charge) and I always came out shining. I have written abt it in my blog many a times.He did the same to make me feel stonger and independent.Whenever I touched a low in my life, he pushed me harder. Let it be my job,health, personal life...anything!! I am proud of the way I am brought up, coz he never made me use someone as a crutch to get up when I fell.

But you knw wat? I silently always wanted him to hug me and tell me,"Its gonna be alrite baby, I am there naa"...he never does that....itz just HIM :) and I am fine with that now...and now I understand that he does love me but then he does not express as he wants me to be ME. ;) That's wat loved ones are for, not only to catch us when we we fall but to let us know that there will be times when you fall and no-one will be there but YOU HAVE TO MAKE IT.

I agree with the blogger that we need no day to celebrate love but then we need no day to celebrate our existence too... ;) Why do we have Birthday celebrations!! I think we all want so much from life that we end up dedicating days to each important celebration in our life which are purely meant for celebration,love,expression and affection to make up for all that we lose in our daily run for existence.

As for the question about expression,I myself wonder, why I cannot tell someone I love the most that I love them. Funny thing, I end up telling most of the people that I love them, when I really don't and those whom I love the most, I can't tell....Words simply cease to come out of my mouth...I just can't express be it my family or friends...I have been mistaken a lot but then, I donno how to fix it? So when one says that they cannot express, I can understand.

The best thing Nidhi mentioned in her post is abt we realising someone's worth when he/she is gone...Yeah! Me too wonder what typical human nature it is...But if you have all that you need why wud you miss it...Simple...Once gone, we realise what it was...We have such a tendency to take things for granted.... :(

As for the hostel thing that she talked abt, I had the same feeling when I used to come back frm hostel. I was the princess for the first few days and later it was all routine. Typically us. We take each other for granted a lot...

It wud have been so great if someday I am engrossed in work at home and Dad comes and hugs me and tells me,"Am so proud of you gal" or if I cud someday go and hug Sunny and tell him"Bhai, no matter how much we fight, I love noone as much as I love you" or if Mom comes, kisses me on the forehead and tells me ," Don't worry baby, itz just typhoid. I am there naa!!" or if I cud just tell Mom and Dad that all my life I have done every single thing to make them feel proud of me, to make them feel I love them and the family, like I love noone.

But..But...I can't....And all this cannot happen atleast in this life...I cannot express, so can't they...Itz just not what we do amongst us...ME,I think coz I am raised amongst 3 guys so I have also learnt that to express is not MACHO...he he... in my case not GOOD. So we let our actions speak...we do simple things for each other (without letting the other know at times) to make him/her feel special...

I wish we cud just simply tell each other how we felt...All of us...But we the humans have barriers of fears...fears of rejection, vulnerability and being hurt and we end up lying and hiding our feelings most of our lives...

I think itz just that WE LOVE but WE DON'T EXPRESS... Life wud have been easier if we knew how to break these barriers and no one wud have had to write a post wondering WHY?

I hope this in some way expresses my opinion abt what was there in her post... My Congratulations to you Nidhi, for posting such a beautiful thought. :)

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Raindrops

What a beauiful nite it was!

As I am still under the fever-effect, I prefer Fan to an AC as my nose gets completely blocked if I sleep with the AC turned ON. So I decided to open the windows to my room and let the fresh breeze come inside. :) I tucked myself in bed as the temperature fell a bit and even Happy Singh was n no mood to go out so both of us decided to sleep by 11 pm. He tuk his place in the small room adjoining mine on his sleeping mat...The poor thing was feeling cold so I covered his trunk with a warm sheet. I said my night-prayers, thanked God as he answered my prayers for my fren's cousin, who suffers from a Brain-related ailment. He was not doing gud for past few months, he is stable now though. I prayed for all that I pray for every night, itz quiet a habit eversince I learnt Gayatri Mantra as a kid. With some soft instrumental playing in the background on my fone, I did not realise when I fell asleep but...not for long.... I did not realise what time it was when I felt the cool and misty air touch my face...it was nothing but the rain-drops that came running thru the windows(Remember, I left them open). At first I remember mumbling in my sleep as if it was another dream but after the first few came another splash of water...That can't be dad sprinkling water over me to wake me up and it CANNOT be 6 in the morning I told myself...It was not!! I woke up and searched for my fone in the darkness as there was no electricity and before I cud ask myself why, I heard a thundering sound...uhuh! Happy Singh woke up and came running to me in my bed...He was so scared of these sounds like all dogs usually are.Finally, I got my fone and wen I saw the time, it was just 4:15 in the morning and well, I went outside in the verandah and saw that the water reached even the washing machine and the treadmill which was kept under the shed. Happy Singh now, all of a sudden, felt an urge to see Rustam who was sleeping in another room. What a riot both of them are, I tell you!! Finally after much coaxing, Rustam came out of his room and both of them went to the terrace to play...Funny dogs!! Just few minutes ago, Happy was so scared and now with Big Bro Rustam by his side, he went upstairs to play around in the rain.... :) Anyways, with both of them busy in their own adventures I silently watched it rain....and how beautiful it was...as the morning broke thru after another few minutes...the sky looked so beautiful and all the plants in the front-yard garden appeared to have come straight from the shower...the roses blooming on one side with the greenery of the herbs on the other...It was a beautiful early-early morning sight. Its been almost 3 weeks now that I woke up before 7, so this one was a gr8 day to begin with... The best part abt the night was the gud quality sleep I got(I wonder if it will be the same tonite) and ofcourse the rain....I simply love it , when it rains!! And it kept raining for the whole day and while I walked to another corner of the street to arrange for another maid(as ours decided to stay home today), the raindrops kept falling on my head...

It reminded me of a song from a certain B.J Thomas : Raindrops keep fallin' on my head..la la la la la And just like the guy whose feet are too big for his bed Nothin' seems to fit Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin' So I just did me some talkin' to the sun And I said I didn't like the way he got things done Sleepin' on the job Those raindrops are fallin' on my head, they keep fallin' Have a beautiful weekend people :)

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Jose Mourinho : The man I admire

HE is the reason I watched all the Chelsea matches for 2 yrs. I am a huge fan of Jose and his team(team that was : Chelsea),he currently is a manager with Internazionale. Mourinho moved to the soccer club, Chelsea in June 2004 and then, he became the highest paid manager in football. In a press conference upon joining the English side, Mourinho said, "Please don't call me arrogant, but I'm European champion and I think I'm a special one", which resulted in the media dubbing him "The Special One"... Indeed, he is special....he is amazing... when I see him backing up his team in the field.... he spits fire...he really does... :) He has always been termed as an arrogant man but then he turned the tables for Chelsea and they emerged as winners many a times. I have a thing for under-dogs and Chelsea was one of them.When Sunny introduced me to the club and the game, I was not too keen with soccer but coz we shared the same room, I had no choice but to live with soccer matches that were telecasted at 2 am in the morning. We both used to be awake till wee hours to catch up on all Chelsea matches in English Premier League and Champions' League. It was such a pleasure to watch the team play with Mourinho roaring right there from the grounds.... With Lampard,Ballack,Cole,Carvalho,Drogba,Cech and many more by their side; Chelsea and the color blue ruled the roost. I have tried watching the matches after Mourinho left Chelsea and Grant tuk over but then I cud not see the fire that he influxed the team with...The power, the confidence and the winning streak was missing in all the games....Atleast I think so... He is one man I admire for the way he stood up against criticism and the way he created Champs..real champs...!! As per my knowledge, I think his track with Chelsea FC tracks down to these wins: FA Premier League during 2004/05; 2005/06 Football League Cup during 2004/05, 2006/07 FA Cup in 2007 FA Community Shield in 2005 I still wonder if there is any possibility that he will ever come back to Chelsea...but he really is a gr8 guy with the aura and magnetism that he carries around with himself. I am not too much into soccer now and I may have messed up with some facts n statements but then I am just another fan...and tend to get emotional....Therez a lot more to him than this post...and one can read abt him over the internet a lot.. He is just one of those influences who always makes me feel... NO MATTER WAT GAL, DON'T GIVE UP!! There are many takers for the winners like Man U(Every other person in India is a MANCHESTER UNITED fan) but then the under-dogs do have a roar when they are in action.... I will always cherish all the memories I have of the Chelsea matches under Mourinho's supervision :) My salutes to you, Mr. Mourinho. :) For his quotes : http://thesoccer-blog.com/england-premiership/jose-mourinhos-best-quotes/ For more on him : http://www.jose-mourinho.info/ , http://www.josemariomourinho.com/

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Sufism : The way to God.

A lazy afternoon, I m sipping on some green tea and watching NDTV Imagine : Junoon Kuch Kar Dikhaaney Ka. I am not a great fan of realtiy shows but this one attracted my attention to the most. The only reason I am hooked to this show is coz SUFI is a part of the show's format....I am a huge fan of Sufism... I cheer for the Sufi Genre and they are such a pleasure to listen to. Some of the classic scholars define Sufism as :"a science through which one can know how to travel into the presence of the Divine, purify one’s inner self from filth, and beautify it with a variety of praiseworthy traits." I am no scholar... but for me Sufism is the way to connect to soul and ofcourse divinity... It makes me feel alive... I still wonder what magic music can do to you...!! Wow!! I end up with goosebumps everytime I listen to a Sufi Song or Kalaam as they call it... My current favourite is "Bandya" from "Khuda Ke Liye" and "Saiyaan" from Kailash Kher's album. Its an amazing song and a MUST-listen. But nothing can beat the HEER(Heer is traditionally sung in Punjab) and is a gr8 example of Sufism. Being a Punjabi , HEER is something I have grown up listening to....and being a Singer I still feel it is the most difficult compositions to sing coz of the feelings it involves...the feeling of pain...agony....separation... Reshma ji's voice in the background singing, HEER heer akhdi jogia jhooth bolen kaun vichhrhe yaar milavandaeeve aisa koi na milia main dhoond thakki jehrha gian nu morh leavandaee Heer says, "O monk! you tell lies who can unite seprated lovers i have searched in vain but found none who can bring back the departed"

Beautiful lines...Soulful Lyrics and I dive into another depth of divinity with this song.

With this, I will go to bed now, Doc said I am yet to recover so, I am still waiting for the day to come. Typhoid sucks!!

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He, My Best Friend

Its midnite and I have just finished watching a mush-mush movie...I mean a love-story - Kismet Konnection. Being a sucker for romance, I am game for all the mediums for romance on the block. Let it be, movies or novels.. Such movies have some feel-good factor about them. They make you feel, there is still so much love around and how beautiful it is to be in love...This reminds me the funny ME that I am... I have screwed up so many times when love came calling but ONE BIG time it was major mess-up that I did get into...It is pretty ironical for a person like me who sleeps and breathes romance/love 24X7...I know almost all the greatest romances by heart...lol and well, to be true have never been in love myself or may be I was and I did not realise. I am not sure what it is like... This love-story(I donno if it wud be apt to call it one) started in the yr 2000 when I met a super-irritating guy on my 3rd day of graduation skool and trust me I hated that guy like anything. I always thought to myself what if he did not exist at all...I know thts too selfish of me...but then, he proposed friendship to me on a friendship day and that was pure platonic frenship...I was like," Why me?". I cud not understand. He told me he thought I was a sensitive and caring person at heart(thts wat he thought!!). The person that I am, I never usually shoo away the affection directed towards me by people...or in simple words, itz really difficult for me to break someone's heart(is what I thought until....). So, we started as frenz and what frenz we were, Best frenz...Yeah! we were best frenz... :) He was a typical guy who carrried his heart on his sleeve...He fell for a skinny gal ,who it luked like suffered from a rare deficiency disease...ahem! and to be true he himself was pretty slim...She was a BIG player (not in that sense guys!!) and well she chose the guy who cud give her the best tutions for all the subjects. So his heart broke and we shared a cuppa tea over it and he cried and we talked and soon he was back to himself. This reminds me, did I mention, how I perceived my friend to be now when we were frenz? He came across as a sensitive and intelligent guy who believed in himself and his dreams and who knew how to love and care for people....He was all what a gud human being and a gr8 friend is made of.... Let us move on to the next crush(ofcourse his). He fell for my then-close friend the next year and well, I felt so sad for him yet again coz I knew she was going to break his heart...I still stood by him and helped him as n when needed with the love advice and the general best friend things that people do. His heart broke again :( This time, it was very painful for him, really painful... I was there with him and he was there with me...Coz we both kinda got ditched at the same time...My then-close friend got a new bf and ditched him and well, me too at the same time... :) Thankfully she did... So both of us again discussed this over a cuppa coffee or tea I dont remember and well, he fell for someone again....but then it did not last long...and I donno if he decided he will not get his heart crushed anymore...watever it was for his good and mine too...I was sick of all those gals... :) Meanwhile a lot many things happened, when my then-close friend ditched me he gave me a shoulder to cry on and gave me all the confidence I needed to move on and yet again trust people and stand up for myself, no matter if people bullied me in my college... He stood by me...he was a true friend I tell you... I lost my grandmother a year after and he was my only support as I cud not open up with anyone else. He gave me strength,love and care...almost everything I needed to get over it... He made me sail thru such a huge loss... At the very same time, there was a selection for the a Organizer position and he was supposed to present or kinda deliver a speech for the selection process and I backed him as he always does to me...Funny, I accidentally made it to the Organizer designation and he ended up being there with me at every single moment to catch me if I fell(not literally, m too huge for him..lol), to motivate me when I felt like quitting the whole thing and getting back to grieving for my granny... He instilled confidence in me...He made me think,dream, discover and dare to do what I believe in...My best friend he was... :) Sooner, we were in the last year of grad skool and he made a pact wit himself that he wud cut on his personal life(including me) and concentrate more on what he wanted to make of his life...(his caree)...I never realized I was a hindrance anywhere there...but then...it was his decision....I forced him to come out of his self-imposed ban...but he did not... We were there for each other but we were not there WITH each other...I donno why? Then came the dreadful day, when he had to leave college and I had my exam...I still remember I handed him my Letter of Friendship(I penned all abt our frenship, the times we spent and all the thank yous sorrys...I dont remember exactly) and he waved good-bye...I searched for some painful emotion in his eyes...They were blank..Completely blank....but why? I cried thru the first hour of my exam until a classmate forced me to write my paper down...I cud not understand the indifference my friend showed towards me...But I cried for something I really donno....I know he DID cry too..... I missed him and we moved on with our lives, he made it thru one of the biggest Indian IT companies and I made it to another IT company...we ended up meeting during one of my official visits to his city...and I cud not feel he was the same guy who coldly said Goodbye to me...He was the same old friend of mine...We chatted, We laughed...and We had loads of fun.. The best part was the evening we spent at the beach, it was so embarassing. Ask me why? Well, we accidentally bumped into a couple who were kissing madly...I think he did not notice..I did... but well I thought he did and that embarassed me...(In India, thts still a rare sight and well, it was the first time I saw someone kissing in full public view)..lol He tuk me to a Punjabi restaurant in a typically South-Indian city...He knew I loooooove punjabi food...We had the best dinner and not to forget a gr8 Jaljeers drink(He was so emabrassed when I kept telling the cook that I cud mix 10 glasses of water to the Jaljeera and even then the amount of salt cannot be beaten)...It was a beautiful evening...We shared our success-stories(i had none) and our sob-stories(we both had many). Like best buddies, we helped each other out of the problems we were facing...It was so perfect!! Absolutely perfect platonic friendship!! All the gals in my college wondered how come we both managed to strike such a close yet platonice friendship and love never came in picture...I never thought about it...Never in my dreams until one day.....For next few days I was pretty busy with work and so was he. We could not meet up but we did say Bye over the phone. Few days passed(may be months), and we exchanged ocassional mails until one day....when he called me up...it was my b'day I remember...we had our usual conversation until it got diverted to something I never thought wud ever come into our relationship....I think he talked abt something like he loved me...I was so shocked to be true that I almost choked and I could not react... He came over after few days with frenz and we met at a shopping mall's restaurant....I did not know what to do...So may questions crossed my mind -"How to tell him I am scared to fall in love...I am scared to reach out...I am scared to let someone come inside my comfort zone...where my vulnerability and sensitivity ditches me high time usually..." I knew his so well, there was no better way to save him from the pain of waiting for me than telling him about a fake boyfriend(may sound kiddish, it does to me now). Actually I did not know how to handle it when love knocked at my doors for the first time so I messed it up...I donno what I did... I created a fake boyfriend who stayed in Bangalore (Hindi Movies are your best saviour) and I broke his heart... :( He cried for days...NO....The truth is WE cried for days....coz I could not ever hurt my best friend...But I was not sure what I had for him in my mind and in my heart...I never was....I had no option but to set him free and not to tie him with a hope that someday I will be back...and WE will be together as best buddies... He hated me for this....but he was and is a sweetheart.... After a while( Infact, after my dengue attack,hospitalization,chicken pox,mom's suspected cancer surgery) when I almost gave up on myself and I ended up with an Oxygen pump by my bedside in a hospital....and with two freaks(I called my frenz) ditching me badly.. He came back like a best friend does....BUT BUT..best frenz never leave u alone...Do they? He came back and we chatted up...He tried cheering me up every morning with his phone calls....and I did not realise he still loved me....Until he expressed himself again... I cud not tell him what a bad timing it was...I was so screwed up in my mind...Two freaks I considered my best pals ditched me, I was under so much stress...my job was almost gone..I was alone n stranded in a city where I ended up in hospital every other week as my body cud not stand pressure...after such a prolonged illness....I NEEDED him...but I needed my best friend first.... He wanted an answer...he asked me if it was a YES or NO....Bad time again dude!! I was struggling to find myself, my strength....my life...and I cud not give him pain by being there with him and still not being with him.... I thought he needed the best and the low phase that I was going thru...I never thought I was the best for him ever....I wanted my best friend to be happy and I cud not make him happy...Not then atleast...I had my family to think abt, my life which was shattered and I was not gud enuff for him.... Itz not a 2-time sacrifice as one of my galfrenz call it, itz just that both of the times I wanted the best for him...and I ended up hurting him.. The last time he called me was a friendship day and he asked me not ot ever contact him or talk to him if I wanted him to be happy....BUT I NEEDED HIM....Still, I followed what he said...He was my best fren...I had to do this for his happiness...I did that... I am such a fool.... :) Watever, he left me alone...and I had to recollect myself and my life again and start afresh after all the lows I had seen. I moved out of the city, came back home...Got a job here, travelled across the world....I had eveything but I always felt something sinking inside...something amiss....I missed him always... We ended up talking coz of a fren's wedding...very very cold response frm him....and well, then I did the weirdest of things...I got these guilty pangs and wrote to him...He quite treated me like shit......I can't blame him...He hated me... He still hates me...He always, will hate me... We are not in touch anymore...not at all... But I still love my best friend, I still miss him everytime I get a pat on the back, everytime I shed a tear, everytime I fall in the middle of the road...everytime life seems rough, everytime life seems gr8!! I miss him... I donno if we cud have ended up together if I said yes to him or if we had broken up but I know one thing I cud have atleast retained him in my life...He was my most true and closest of frenz...After him, I did not trust anyone...I did not let anyone break the fence I had around me and get into my comfort zone... I wish him all the love and success in his life and I truly wish someday(let it be some 50 yrs or watever) he will realise that I am still waiting for him for that cuppa tea we chatted over... I am sorry and I will always be for whatever I did to him...but I still dont know why I did what I did. And I will never be able to tell him the truth is the biggest regret....coz I can never reach out to him...and watever, somethings shud be left just like that, as they say... He will always be the biggest influence in my life... :) I MISS YOU, BEST FRIEND. STAY HAPPY ALWAYS!!

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