He, My Best Friend

Its midnite and I have just finished watching a mush-mush movie...I mean a love-story - Kismet Konnection. Being a sucker for romance, I am game for all the mediums for romance on the block. Let it be, movies or novels.. Such movies have some feel-good factor about them. They make you feel, there is still so much love around and how beautiful it is to be in love...This reminds me the funny ME that I am... I have screwed up so many times when love came calling but ONE BIG time it was major mess-up that I did get into...It is pretty ironical for a person like me who sleeps and breathes romance/love 24X7...I know almost all the greatest romances by heart...lol and well, to be true have never been in love myself or may be I was and I did not realise. I am not sure what it is like... This love-story(I donno if it wud be apt to call it one) started in the yr 2000 when I met a super-irritating guy on my 3rd day of graduation skool and trust me I hated that guy like anything. I always thought to myself what if he did not exist at all...I know thts too selfish of me...but then, he proposed friendship to me on a friendship day and that was pure platonic frenship...I was like," Why me?". I cud not understand. He told me he thought I was a sensitive and caring person at heart(thts wat he thought!!). The person that I am, I never usually shoo away the affection directed towards me by people...or in simple words, itz really difficult for me to break someone's heart(is what I thought until....). So, we started as frenz and what frenz we were, Best frenz...Yeah! we were best frenz... :) He was a typical guy who carrried his heart on his sleeve...He fell for a skinny gal ,who it luked like suffered from a rare deficiency disease...ahem! and to be true he himself was pretty slim...She was a BIG player (not in that sense guys!!) and well she chose the guy who cud give her the best tutions for all the subjects. So his heart broke and we shared a cuppa tea over it and he cried and we talked and soon he was back to himself. This reminds me, did I mention, how I perceived my friend to be now when we were frenz? He came across as a sensitive and intelligent guy who believed in himself and his dreams and who knew how to love and care for people....He was all what a gud human being and a gr8 friend is made of.... Let us move on to the next crush(ofcourse his). He fell for my then-close friend the next year and well, I felt so sad for him yet again coz I knew she was going to break his heart...I still stood by him and helped him as n when needed with the love advice and the general best friend things that people do. His heart broke again :( This time, it was very painful for him, really painful... I was there with him and he was there with me...Coz we both kinda got ditched at the same time...My then-close friend got a new bf and ditched him and well, me too at the same time... :) Thankfully she did... So both of us again discussed this over a cuppa coffee or tea I dont remember and well, he fell for someone again....but then it did not last long...and I donno if he decided he will not get his heart crushed anymore...watever it was for his good and mine too...I was sick of all those gals... :) Meanwhile a lot many things happened, when my then-close friend ditched me he gave me a shoulder to cry on and gave me all the confidence I needed to move on and yet again trust people and stand up for myself, no matter if people bullied me in my college... He stood by me...he was a true friend I tell you... I lost my grandmother a year after and he was my only support as I cud not open up with anyone else. He gave me strength,love and care...almost everything I needed to get over it... He made me sail thru such a huge loss... At the very same time, there was a selection for the a Organizer position and he was supposed to present or kinda deliver a speech for the selection process and I backed him as he always does to me...Funny, I accidentally made it to the Organizer designation and he ended up being there with me at every single moment to catch me if I fell(not literally, m too huge for him..lol), to motivate me when I felt like quitting the whole thing and getting back to grieving for my granny... He instilled confidence in me...He made me think,dream, discover and dare to do what I believe in...My best friend he was... :) Sooner, we were in the last year of grad skool and he made a pact wit himself that he wud cut on his personal life(including me) and concentrate more on what he wanted to make of his life...(his caree)...I never realized I was a hindrance anywhere there...but then...it was his decision....I forced him to come out of his self-imposed ban...but he did not... We were there for each other but we were not there WITH each other...I donno why? Then came the dreadful day, when he had to leave college and I had my exam...I still remember I handed him my Letter of Friendship(I penned all abt our frenship, the times we spent and all the thank yous sorrys...I dont remember exactly) and he waved good-bye...I searched for some painful emotion in his eyes...They were blank..Completely blank....but why? I cried thru the first hour of my exam until a classmate forced me to write my paper down...I cud not understand the indifference my friend showed towards me...But I cried for something I really donno....I know he DID cry too..... I missed him and we moved on with our lives, he made it thru one of the biggest Indian IT companies and I made it to another IT company...we ended up meeting during one of my official visits to his city...and I cud not feel he was the same guy who coldly said Goodbye to me...He was the same old friend of mine...We chatted, We laughed...and We had loads of fun.. The best part was the evening we spent at the beach, it was so embarassing. Ask me why? Well, we accidentally bumped into a couple who were kissing madly...I think he did not notice..I did... but well I thought he did and that embarassed me...(In India, thts still a rare sight and well, it was the first time I saw someone kissing in full public view)..lol He tuk me to a Punjabi restaurant in a typically South-Indian city...He knew I loooooove punjabi food...We had the best dinner and not to forget a gr8 Jaljeers drink(He was so emabrassed when I kept telling the cook that I cud mix 10 glasses of water to the Jaljeera and even then the amount of salt cannot be beaten)...It was a beautiful evening...We shared our success-stories(i had none) and our sob-stories(we both had many). Like best buddies, we helped each other out of the problems we were facing...It was so perfect!! Absolutely perfect platonic friendship!! All the gals in my college wondered how come we both managed to strike such a close yet platonice friendship and love never came in picture...I never thought about it...Never in my dreams until one day.....For next few days I was pretty busy with work and so was he. We could not meet up but we did say Bye over the phone. Few days passed(may be months), and we exchanged ocassional mails until one day....when he called me up...it was my b'day I remember...we had our usual conversation until it got diverted to something I never thought wud ever come into our relationship....I think he talked abt something like he loved me...I was so shocked to be true that I almost choked and I could not react... He came over after few days with frenz and we met at a shopping mall's restaurant....I did not know what to do...So may questions crossed my mind -"How to tell him I am scared to fall in love...I am scared to reach out...I am scared to let someone come inside my comfort zone...where my vulnerability and sensitivity ditches me high time usually..." I knew his so well, there was no better way to save him from the pain of waiting for me than telling him about a fake boyfriend(may sound kiddish, it does to me now). Actually I did not know how to handle it when love knocked at my doors for the first time so I messed it up...I donno what I did... I created a fake boyfriend who stayed in Bangalore (Hindi Movies are your best saviour) and I broke his heart... :( He cried for days...NO....The truth is WE cried for days....coz I could not ever hurt my best friend...But I was not sure what I had for him in my mind and in my heart...I never was....I had no option but to set him free and not to tie him with a hope that someday I will be back...and WE will be together as best buddies... He hated me for this....but he was and is a sweetheart.... After a while( Infact, after my dengue attack,hospitalization,chicken pox,mom's suspected cancer surgery) when I almost gave up on myself and I ended up with an Oxygen pump by my bedside in a hospital....and with two freaks(I called my frenz) ditching me badly.. He came back like a best friend does....BUT BUT..best frenz never leave u alone...Do they? He came back and we chatted up...He tried cheering me up every morning with his phone calls....and I did not realise he still loved me....Until he expressed himself again... I cud not tell him what a bad timing it was...I was so screwed up in my mind...Two freaks I considered my best pals ditched me, I was under so much stress...my job was almost gone..I was alone n stranded in a city where I ended up in hospital every other week as my body cud not stand pressure...after such a prolonged illness....I NEEDED him...but I needed my best friend first.... He wanted an answer...he asked me if it was a YES or NO....Bad time again dude!! I was struggling to find myself, my strength....my life...and I cud not give him pain by being there with him and still not being with him.... I thought he needed the best and the low phase that I was going thru...I never thought I was the best for him ever....I wanted my best friend to be happy and I cud not make him happy...Not then atleast...I had my family to think abt, my life which was shattered and I was not gud enuff for him.... Itz not a 2-time sacrifice as one of my galfrenz call it, itz just that both of the times I wanted the best for him...and I ended up hurting him.. The last time he called me was a friendship day and he asked me not ot ever contact him or talk to him if I wanted him to be happy....BUT I NEEDED HIM....Still, I followed what he said...He was my best fren...I had to do this for his happiness...I did that... I am such a fool.... :) Watever, he left me alone...and I had to recollect myself and my life again and start afresh after all the lows I had seen. I moved out of the city, came back home...Got a job here, travelled across the world....I had eveything but I always felt something sinking inside...something amiss....I missed him always... We ended up talking coz of a fren's wedding...very very cold response frm him....and well, then I did the weirdest of things...I got these guilty pangs and wrote to him...He quite treated me like shit......I can't blame him...He hated me... He still hates me...He always, will hate me... We are not in touch anymore...not at all... But I still love my best friend, I still miss him everytime I get a pat on the back, everytime I shed a tear, everytime I fall in the middle of the road...everytime life seems rough, everytime life seems gr8!! I miss him... I donno if we cud have ended up together if I said yes to him or if we had broken up but I know one thing I cud have atleast retained him in my life...He was my most true and closest of frenz...After him, I did not trust anyone...I did not let anyone break the fence I had around me and get into my comfort zone... I wish him all the love and success in his life and I truly wish someday(let it be some 50 yrs or watever) he will realise that I am still waiting for him for that cuppa tea we chatted over... I am sorry and I will always be for whatever I did to him...but I still dont know why I did what I did. And I will never be able to tell him the truth is the biggest regret....coz I can never reach out to him...and watever, somethings shud be left just like that, as they say... He will always be the biggest influence in my life... :) I MISS YOU, BEST FRIEND. STAY HAPPY ALWAYS!!