Just Another Day...

Enuff of sadness and negative feelings looming around in the last few posts...Ah! but I had to tell those stories... For the people who read the last part, the good news is I got a call from my friend and she has planned to shift back to her husband's city of work, she had a discussion with him about their marriage and they have decided to work on it for a happy marriage...Gud.. Happy news....I feel gud... Yesterday has been a day of mixed emotions and some of them are worth-mentioning here. The start to the day has been lazy but then it picked up its own pace. Late afternoon,I had a chat with my manager and she agreed to approve my travel to the conference in Baltimore. :) Ofcourse, she and her co-manager asked me to commit that I will start travelling for work again in October, once I recover completely from fever. I smiled to myself(I know her...) and assured her that I wud do the same. Letz see! :) In the evening,Mom's trusted astrologer told her that am not gonna get married too soon. Wow! I am so relieved that atleast now I need not worry about this for a year....coz Mom wud not push me for the same.... :) After mom broke this news to me, she went for her evening walk and I was busy with a call-on meeting. Once she was back home, she asked me what I wud like for dinner as everyone else was going for non-veg. I saw it as an opportunity to crib and throw tantrums so I cud convince her to let me eat my favourite Rava Sevai(Vermicelli Upma) and Coconut Chutney for dinner. Finally, she agreed to it. It was an ocassion to celebrate(ofcourse, I got to eat what I wanted) so I went back to my room, switched on the TV and indulged myself in my favourite food and favourite show after almost 2 months...the dish was yummy... Sooner, my kid bro entered my room and started chatting up abt his office issues and we started fighting over the internet. ;) Meanwhile, I got an sms from my friend asking about my health. I knew she needed me...(There is something about people close to you, you can sense if thrz something wrong with them). I promised to call her back in 10 minutes. I fnished what me n Ankit started and finally, he gave up and said,"Good Nite, Wish you dont get to work with the internet tonite"...he he he... So after he went away, I called up my fren and I got to know that her father had an accident and she was telling me how thankful she is to God that he escaped with a fracture only even when his helmet was smashed under the truck. Her father had a paralytic attack 2 months back..so for her it was a second setback. But allz well now. I felt so bad for her but I assured her that everything wud be fine soon. I did not feel like working after that and decided to hit the bed. I said my night-prayers, tucked Happy Singh in some warm clothing and I don't remember when I fell asleep. :) It was a regular yet a li'l better day and I loved it. Coz it had itz share of downs but then God takes care of everything and I am thankful to him for protecting my family and frenz.

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Look whoz been awarded!!

Yipee! I got my first award and that too from whom!!...Well, from one of my favourite bloggers, Zirelda. That's so kind of her... Thanks a lot Zirelda. Well she told me there are certain rules to follow once you are being awarded...Oh! I wud do anything for an award...lol ;) And the rules are : 1. The winner can put the logo on their blog 2. Link the person you received your award from 3. Nominate at least 7 other blogs. 4. Put links of those blogs on yours. 5. Leave a message on the blogs you’ve nominated. Mmm....7 people...Well I have my list ready... Zirelda, Can i award you too as per the rules? You didn't tell me about that... :( Coz you are a part of the list anyways, I wait for your posts to come up everyday...So let me re-award you... ;) And the only reason I am doing that is coz I simply love being a part of your everyday life...thru ur blog-posts...it inspires me to be a better person..Superwoman!! :) And for the next six, well I have some sure-shot winners here : Abhinav, coz he is one of the people who inspired me to blog and has always been furnishing interesting posts on his blog...He has his own style..and I love it :) Skeeter, coz his way of adding flavour to the simplest of stories and events is something I am a fan of. And how can I forget the pictures he adds to each post, they are so apt. Nidhi, for she is frank and everything she blogs about is straight from the heart with no sugar-coating. Sneha, for her poems and beautiful thoughts about people that take me to some other world when I read them. Charu, coz she is full of mush and emotions...she is an on and off blogger but when she writes itz a wanna-read stuff. Soumya, for she is a lazy yet full of life blogger... ;) I am so glued to these blogs that I never made a dliberate choice to surf thru other blogs...

Guys! You have earned a lifetime fan here. Now, Go ahead people and flaunt this award on ur blogs like I did...It feels great!! ;)

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Mumbai Diaries - Men, Tears, Smiles and Courage.

For those of you who read my last post, I know you guys are worried about me. Well, so am I. It has been a really tough week...I am tired of coughing, sneezing and the struggle to breathe. I am still on my way to recovery.Thanks for your wishes.

Gals, this one is for you. 

We all have met men in our lives...men who love us, men who cherish us, men who thrash us, men who help us rise, men who make us fall flat on our face. They come as friends, family, lovers, colleagues, bosses, strangers etc... Sometimes they leave a lesson behind and sometimes a scar.

This is not about the week...This is not about my duration of stay here. This is all-in-a-day's work.

I am pretty sick, guys. I miss home, I sulk in bed and amidst all this, I wait for my friend,who believes we are not friends...to come and give me hope...Hope that I will be okay soon. In a city where I donno many people, I trust him. Today, when I was crying my heart out in front of him, struggling to look into his eyes...to see if he feels my pain...I realized, I mean nothing to him... It was a void, a thud in the heart...or rather as if someone just pierced a knife right through my heart.

He is the man who makes me think so lowly of me... I feel guilty for I cannot make him smile, I cannot fix his life...I know I can never. I know he is going through pain...but my life has not been easy either.I have had my share of bad falls...falls I don't want him to know of... I don't think he wants to know.... Everyday I try and do things to make him feel life is wonderful, it is indeed beautiful... I fail miserably...coz no matter what I do... he does not trust me.. he does not believe that I am here to stay... It is a sheer feeling of helplessness...

I expected him to hold my hand today, give me a hug and tell me that he trusts me.. and he knows that I need him ... that he cherishes our friendship and accepts the fact that am fragile n sick n I have my share of mood swings which will pass soon.... Wish, he could have just hugged me and told me that he is not upset with me... he is there for me.. BUT, all I got from him is silent treatment and then he stood up after an hour and walked out....without asking me to stop crying...without telling me that he will fix everything...I cried more...n more...n more...cried till my tears almost dried.

I was busy staring out of the window, tears rolling down my cheeks...when another friend, let's call him X, pinged me... X asked me to call him... we talked about his dreams, my dreams.. my life, my aspirations, my strengths, my weakness...things I should do... 

X told me things no-one told me in the past 27 yrs....things I wanted to hear from someone someday... He told me how he believes in my talent, in me, in my capabilities as a person and how people need me..how I can make a difference in this country, in people's lives... I was amazed coz here was this man who made me cry and suffer, whom I cared about...but he did not... and then there was X, he believed in me, more than me... He motivated me to dream big, do big... 

All thesesyears, all the guys I have met.. family, friends, co-workers...always told me that I was good for nothing... but this guy made me believe in myself... I mean who does that for anyone.

As I type this post, I look at the contradiction between two people..both friends...both guys.. One, who gave me tears and another, who wiped my tears, made me smile and who inspired me...

Weird naa!! Aisey hi life mein, we meet all sorts of people.. Some pull us down...No matter how much you do, give and dedicate to that friendship, it is never enough...and Some people take us to new heights..

In a day, I discovered two friendships...one that left me broken and another that made me recollect myself and walk with confidence. Such is life.

Point is : Life is too short... Stop feeling guilty for failed relationships. We women are not the only one responsible for failed friendships and relationships....both the people involved are equally to be blamed... You give-in your best and move ahead. 

For every man who makes you cry, there is a man who'll wipe your tears and make you believe in life again...but don't wait for a man to come and do it for you... Take charge!! Be your own person and kick life's ass and keep that chin up and walk on!! :D You rock!! \m/

Love ya!

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Mom meets Maamu

It took me 4 hours to fix the issues with my blog today...First, the 'recent comments' widget stopped working and laters I had to revamp the whole blog(login,name,link etc.) coz of a simple reason that I cannot stop selective troublemakers from visiting my blog so I had to find a temporary solution. Good thing is Mom is back and she is really happy coz she met her brother and his family after almost a span of 11 yrs. I can see it in her eyes and body language.Itz as if she is smiling even when she is asleep. ;) The only time she does that is when Dad is back from his tours...lol...The madly in love couple they are...but this time the reason was someting different...no matter wat the reason is... love to see her happy like all kids do. It tuk her 11 yrs to smile like that...11 yrs is a long time...really long time...

11yrs back, when her brother(my maamu) shifted base to Mumbai with his family and all we had for our maternal family was my Nanaji(mom's dad). They say, "Distance makes the heart go fonder", I feel itz not like that. Communication is an imprtant part of a realtionship and distance is the biggest enemy of communication. Mom and Maamu chatted intially when he left Delhi, but after a few months, happened the old cliche stuff. Misunderstandings cropped up coz of other people in their family and they(mom and maamu) never bothered to clarify,thinking the other will understand.And one fine day, they stopped communicating. But no hard feelings.

I have seen mom craving for her brother's affection every year when we celebrated Raksha Bandhan and Bhai Dooj.I could see her smiling thru tears if someone caught her sitting alone. Mom being the eldest amongst the 4 kids, is a perfect mother-figure to all her siblings. I sometimes wonder, how does she manage to be so patient and understanding towards people and especially towards her relatives(some of the youger lot is creepy)! But Mom has always been like that..The other person who is quiet like her in her family is her brother. He has always been really calm and loving, though less expressive. Maybe, this is one of the reason they gel well.

When Mom celebrated her 25th Wedding Anniversary, we all knew she wanted her brother to be next to her...so we asked her to go ahead and call him...He cud not make it but did send his good wishes...I know Mom so badly wanted him to be there...She told me she knew itz all about reaching out to him.

I love Mom's philosophy of life: She says,"Life is too short to waste in regrets and grudges.We shud make the best of it and reach out to the people we love coz no one hates to be loved ". All other siblings in her family were not too happy for Mom called Maamu and finally one day, she told us that she wanted to celebrate her Raksha Bandhan (this year)with Maamu by her side.

And when she decided, who cud stop her. :) Dad is super-cool, he asked Mom to go ahead and got her tickets booked. She had some reservations about seeing her brother after so long but all went BOOM when she met him. They had a blast in Mumbai and Mom got wat she always deserved and needed.She had a gala time with Maamu,Maami and Abhi at their place and I have never seen her so happy for past few years..

I wish what if both of them wud not have waited for so long to reach out and let each other know how special they are to each other. Why do people stop communicating? Mom always thought abt him but somewhere deep down suppressed it for the sake of her dad and youngest sister as they were not too happy abt keeping in touch with Maamu. And Mom always try to keep everyone happy(See! I told you, itz in my genes...lol)

Relationships are meant to be nurtured and cherished but people end up complicating them. I am glad Mom did what she felt was right for her and I am sure she did the right thing. She deserves her share of love and support too.

Now she keeps showing me what all her brother gifted her and talks about what all his wife(my maami) has achieved...Mom is so proud of all three of them in the family....and the best part is she is happy and as I write about it I can see those sparkling eyes looking at me from the kitchen now. :)

Mom had the love of her life around and ofcourse her kids but some relationships have their very own importance.

Thanks to Maamu ,Maami and Abhi for making my Mom feel loved again... :)

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For the regular and never-before readers

Caution: Contains offensive language(not for the regular readers). Have started working from home now. Typhoid's gonna linger for some more time before it bids the final goodbye. I may not be able to post for few days...may be...U may never knw..when the blogger in me pushes me to come back...but right now the road seems to be long.... Have a lot to write about...but there is a huge back-log of mails due to the sick leaves.. Will be back soon... I wish I cud block my blog for some readers...I guess I can't :( Uhuh!! Coz with some arses, I really don't want to share anything abt my life and views...but seems I have no choice but to carry on...I love writing and will keep doing that...and itz great to know that some people still have interest in knowing whats happening here... Although I have removed the FEEDJIT to avoid looking at the people who actually read something which was not meant for them ever... ;) Some men are such assholes that they don't get the message even when they are asked to Fuck Off. They never learn their lessons. May be they are still waiting for me to get there and kick them where it hurts the most. Let me tell them, I will for sure someday. Right now, I have no time for them. Uhuh! Too much of negativity...!! I hope this week goes by smooth....with so much to do.... Love ya people

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Something to share...

Almost when I was abt to sign-off, my manager called me up to tell me how the other team that borrowed me has no assignments coming up for me so I will have to get back to my ex-team(I always dreaded this). She told me how I shud find work to boost my performance ratings(what is she there for?) and I shud submit papers n blah blah...

Too much of pressure, its not just abt work...Itz abt something more that you do along with what your job requires.Ah! She did not even bother to ask if the typhoid was still there or wat.

Watever, she threw all her negative energy at me and poor me! I started going thru my office mails thinking of a future that held nothing for me, I thought(The IT industry is doing really bad somewhere deep down but people are not ready to admit). My manager once joked that I have an alternative career to fall back on(Journalism) as I have studied it too but then, I have no plans to do away with IT right now.

I was feeling so lost(momz also not around and so is my best friend, both of them r on vacations) and then a new mail message box popped out on my screen.The mail said"SWE-2008 Congratulations". Mmmm...But I submitted my papers in January and the column on the left-most corner in the excel sheet next to my name said "Excellent but we cannot select". How cud I make it to the "Society of Engineers" Conference in Baltimore? I drilled down to the mail archives and opened the excel again...Bullshit!! My name was there 2 times more and both the columns said " YES,selected". OMG, how cud I just miss that?

I smiled to myself when I realised what I just made thru and thought of telling my manager about it. Atleast it will make her feel, I am upto something : is what I thought. She did not even bother to drop-in a congratulatory message.

Not one, but two of my papers( a lecture and workshop) are selected for SWE 08 and I was so excited when I read abt it in the mail. I wanted to run to mom and tell her about it...She is not here..uhuh! I told dad instead and he said " So, what shud I do?, Tell ur mom maybe it will make her happy". I was like WOW! I love my life.He did the same to me when I made it to a Residency programme to co-author a book on an IBM Product at IBM Silicon Valley Labs.

Atleast after a long stint with sickness. there is something I can smile about. No matter if anyone is ready to share my happiness with me or not.

I called up mom and told her that I'll be flying to Baltimore in another 2 months for SWE Conference and she was so happy to hear this and told me how she is so proud of me. Thats why Moms are special, they make you feel as you are the best no matter even if you are ME. ;) I love her.

I needed to share my excitement and this news with someone...and I did...

There is a long process(officially) to make it there to present but my selection is a great boost for me.

Wish me luck guys! I need to work really hard to make my presence felt there and do my best. Although I m really superstitious at times about the good news but forget it! I had to share this. :) Hope I make it to the conference in November. :)

http://societyofwomenengineers.swe.org/index.php

http://www.we08.org/

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Out of the Clutches

I opened my Yahoo Mailbox just like that after almost 2 days and while I was busy deleting all the Astrology Mails and some job-alerts, I came across a name I had never forgotten ofcourse, I had to run thru the Inbox twice to make sure it was HER.

"What?She has mailed me... that too, a reply to some social site invite I sent....Ah! Weird. Why wud I do that? Why now?" I had mailed her couple of times 2yrs back but she never responded then, why wud I ever send her an invite again....I am not the one to cling to people who usually don't bother to stay frenz. I opened the email thinking it wud be her telling me, not to send her such crap on her official id as she does not give a damn if I exist or not...I selected the mail without reading it and almost clicked on delete, when something stopped me and I thought,"Watever, even if it spoils my day. Let me see how much anguish does she hold even now?"(Typical curiosity of mine)

I opened the mail and read thru it, it talked abt how she thinks that I did not send the request but she got it by some fault on the networking site, but still she accepted it and if I wud want I cud delete it.I was like,"OK"...and As I proceed further she wrote abt how she sent me an invite too but it never reached me. Later she metioned that if I was still reading the mail and did not plan to delete it before reading the rest, she wud like me to knw that we both had differences and were angry at each other but now she thought we shud forget it and start as frenz again as frenz do fight but they get back together.

I was completely amazed at her reaction or let me say action.

Its been 2 yrs eversince I left THE city after a series of ditches and back-stabbing stuff to get my life together. We became frenz in the same city and later,many things followed. Usual misuderstandings, some difference of opinions, some immature stuff and things I wud rather not think abt now. I lost a lot...a lot...as I already talked abt in my earlier posts.I tried getting in touch with her even after she left India but she did not respond and I am not one of those people who love to beg for attention. Damn! I have some ego ;)Watever, its past now and it made me learn a lot. I promised myself 2 yrs back I wud never let anything or anyone frm those 2 yrs come back to me.

One thing I learnt and talked abt in my earlier posts too is acceptance. I accepted a lot in past 2 years but few things I cud not accept. What she did ,was one of them.But, I told myself after reading this mail,"You have two choices, let it be jus like that n hold on to the past or Mail her back and forgive watever happened and accept it". I chose the latter.I chose to move on and forgive. I accepted my mistakes and hers too in our friendship and I decided to mail her back.

I did. I wrote to her what I truly felt coz until then even I did not know what I truly felt.I still thought I had grudges and a few seconds of soul-searching did it for me.They say,"Sometimes it takes 30 seconds to decide what you want". I know I want peace, peace with myself and want to get rid of the feeling of being unforgiving and holding grudges.I told her that I wished best for her and she had all my support and wishes. The person of extremes that I am, I know I will always be there for her. Life is funny, it all comes back to you someday.

Frankly, therez nothing as peaceful as unburdening oneself from past. I did away with some part of it and I feel great. Its a gr8 feeling to forgive, to accept and to welcome frenz back in ur life. I may or may not be as pally with her as I was but I am sure we both can be frenz.

I hope this will help me in moving a step forward in life and not a step back. Great! I have left some part of my past behind and I feel lighter...Much lighter.

The past is out of my clutches rather I wud say I am out of the past's clutches.

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