So today was the day I always dreaded would come.
My family confronted me for not losing weight and getting married.I wonder how the weight is inversely proportional to marriage??Lesser the weight, earlier the marriage. But yeah! it must be...coz they tell me so and infact everybody tells me so...
If any of our relatives visits us from any part of the world, the first few sentences before any "Hello" or "Hi" that come out of their oh-so-divine mouths are :
"Hey bachchey!! Do something and lose weight. Why do you want to burden your parents with this liability for so long. If you lose weight you would get married easily. Who wud marry a fat woman in any case?. You should go for a walk daily or else exercise an hour...See XYZ beta, she is working so hard on losing weight...Uski shaadi nahi ho rahi thi naa (She was not getting married naa)...Tumhey samajhna chahiye...sab ladkon ko sundar aur slim n trim kudiya chahiye hoti hain...kaun aisi ladki se shaadi karega..."(all guys want beautiful and slim women, who wud marry a gal like you?, you must understand this)
"Auntyji...tussi paani shaani peeyo teh fer vi bol sakdey ho...par nahi ji...sab nu meri fikar payee hain...kuj vi karkey aiss kudi no saddo aithon..." (Aunty ji...have some water and something to eat...u can talk laters too...but no!..everybody is worried abt me...they wud do anything to throw me out of here)
I am sick of telling people that I have a hormonal condition that makes me gain weight even if I drink water...Yeah it does :) I can't help it but I am not someone who wud give up on this. I have a history of "Weight-loss disasters" though ;)
The first time I tried losing weight(which was not that much), I fell into the Dengue Trap...Took me an year to recover...frequent hospitalizations drained me of all the energy I had...There I was losing my blood for 8 days lying on the hospital bed with no family around...I did not inform them as I meant no trouble for my folks...I wanted to handle my sickness on my own...It was the first time I ever got admitted to a hospital...I was fasting for Maa Durga and could not even drink juice as I kept throwing up...It was the 10th day when the docs told me, if the platelets do not come up, we will go for a transfusion...THAT was the moment I realised...I shud tell my folks...wat if I die :) I did not...I was discharged few days later and I went back home and told mom...Even after that I visted the hospitals more often coz I cud not recover well.
Next year while Mom was struggling with a suspected cancer thing and I was with weight-loss, I had severe chickenpox and I swear I have never suffered any pain greater than what I went thru then...there was no AC at home and a powercut for 3 long days was declared in my hometown too in the month of MAY. I love my life... ;) Anyways, we got mom admitted in the hospital and although not fully recovered, I stayed with her...and finally her surgery was done when the docs were sure it was a non-cancerous tumor that she had. It was really taxing for me mentally coz till the last minute I did not know what the doc wud tell me...and it was an 8 hrs long surgery...
I tried recovering from it, when after a series of health and professional setbacks one day I suffered from high stress levels and landed up in the hospital again due to lack of oxygen and weakness...I was put on oxygen and that day I knew I wud return to my town soon. This city was not for me. Finally I gave up the lonely battle and packed my bags...
Came back home and hunted for a job, got 6 offers and joined one of them...travelled a lot and gained a lot of weight....joined walk sessions and laters Yoga... :)
Caught typhoid...then post-typhoid allergies (I am still taking meds ;)) and I am fasting again for Durga Navratri... I have actually lost the stamina I had once...I am working on it though...
I am someone who has even dug outside my house in the killing sun and almost done all possible physical strength work that guys do at home...But now, I can't. My stamina needs a big push and am working on it...
Bullshit!! Why shud I tell my sob-stories to everyone asking me for my weight n marriage stuff...I have not shared this for sympathy anyways...I dont need any and I shud not get any...There are people who suffer so much in their lives and I have seen nothing...
Personally, I am not someone who judges people by their physical appearance (maybe coz I m myself fat)...for me what matters in a marriage is the person and not how he luks...coz when we both wud carry on with our journey of togetherness....my figure or his abs will not serve any purpose...something that wud matter wud be our understanding, attitudes, adaptability, concern, love, patience, maturity and intelligence. A marriage that has beauty and physical appearance as a foundation wud definitely be shaky... In times of adverse situations, a woman's beauty and a man's appearance does not count...what matters is how they can sail thru the problem with their mindset and attitude.
Some people go to the extent of telling me that if the product is good and is attractive who wud not want to own it...I love it!! When were women kept in the category of products?? Shocking!!
Jo bhi ho (watever happens!!) The worst is something mistakenly slipped out of my mouth in a fit of furstration(after hearing all the BIG lecture) which I know I shud not have said in front of my parents...But I said it... " I am not bothered what everybody thinks coz I dont want to get married right now, I am not ready for it and I don't give a damn abt society that thinks am a burden". Mom's frenz keep asking her about my marriage... and she pours out her irritation on me at times....
If I tell them that I feel not too strong to brisk-walk or even attend Yoga sessions, they get really upset about it coz they think I make excuses everytime. I am a fighter and am gonna fight thru my weakness too. I wud stand up again and walk with my chin straight up someday...
Dad told me "if you don't care about the society and people, then you better leave the house and get urself ur own place or either stay in a hostel, iss ghar mein yeh sab nahi chalega". I am not shocked by what he said...He is an average Indian father who thinks he HAS to marry off his daughter to ensure her happiness and fulfillment of his responsibility. I have no problems with him on this and I donno if I wud leave home or not.
But I think when it comes to marriage I shud be the one you know who shud say ki yaar ab shaadi kar leni chahiye...yaa I wanna get married now...My family does not buy my fundaas...they think I shud have been born in some extremists' family or sum hi-fi one coz what I think is not possible in their world...
No hard feelings for them!! I completely understand what they are going thru and I have promised mom that if itz for their happiness I shall marry anyone they ask me to marry without asking any questions and well the person that I am, I would do the same coz I love them a lot. But then, they should not ask me, "Beta,what do you want?"...No they shud not...Coz I don't want what they want right now. I have my dreams and I have just one life to live it all and make it all come true... I want to ensure my kid brother's secure life and my parents' happiness before I move on to a new phase in my life.
I want to be honest to my marriage and I know it needs lots of positive energy,time and emotional nourishment to come out as a beautiful and successful marriage...I think I cannot be honest to it right now. Coz when I am with someone I wud just want to be completely with that person where we both are happy in our own world and where I wud give my 100% committment and dedication.
But hamesha woh nahi hota jo hum chaahtey hain :) Apni family ke liye apun kuch bhi karega :) - But, watever we want does not happen always...and for my family I wud do anything... simply anything... :)
I love them for who they are to me and for loving me so much. :)
