Once a saint, Now a sinner

How did we get here?

I have become a bitter person. I don't smile as much. I don't love that deeply anymore. That's the truth.

I no longer trust anyone, I no longer feel the love, I no longer feel like I can speak my mind anymore without being judged. I feel trapped. Trapped by my own expectations from people, Trapped by my expectations from me. I wish we could change lives like we do with our clothes. The moment you are tired of the way of life, you could just go to a store and get a new one for yourself.

The people I felt really close to have one by one let me down in one way or another. and I know it happens to every single person. I no longer feel I can connect with anyone. I am a friend to many, but no one is a friend of mine anymore. There is so much inside me that I want to say, but I cannot because I will end up losing something/someone for sure.

Losing my Dad has been more taxing than I ever thought it would be. I have spent considerable amount of time in my life fearing the loss of my parents and being anxious over it, before I actually lost my Dad for real. Life is tough now. I know there are people who have nothing and they still do not complain and I have most of what other people don't and I still am struggling.

My Dad was my protective cover from the world. He always knew what to do in a situation. If I did not know how to go about something, he always had the answers. It is difficult trying to live without him. I have no idea how my mom is managing, how much pain she is going through. Like most of us in the family, she does a perfectly good job of hiding her pain to avoid hurting others.

I want to go somewhere...anywhere. I have always been telling myself that I am happy..."Life is not a bed of roses, but I am happy". Today probably it is the first time, I don't feel like that. I am no longer lying to myself. I am VERY unhappy. I am bitter. I feel like life has been unfair to me. I feel like I gave so much love and I was shortchanged. I need to get out of this loop.

I no longer relate to this life I am living, neither to the people around me.

I stare at the bright sun outside my window and wonder to myself -- How did we get here?

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It will get better..

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Never Give up!

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Negative - Positive

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Dear God, We are breaking up!!

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Change is just around the corner.

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Honesty is NOT the best policy...

You know, today I was just sitting and watching the kids play outside and I realized that the reason life is easier as a kid is coz you are born without any filters. You speak your mind and nobody really judges you. But then all these older people come in and they start teaching you --"Beta, don't say this...don't say that" I know! I know! all they want is for us to know is that sometimes we should not say a couple of things to avoid hurting other people, but then isn't that being dishonest.

I mean I myself walk on a very thin line when it comes to such stuff. I am a really sensitive person so I do understand that I have to think a 100 times to say something unpleasant to someone, so I would try to make it seem like a concern or a compliment or probably sugar-coat it a bit. But with people I really really care about, I just walk up to them and I am really blunt..It's like "Hello!! why are you wearing that brown lipstick,Ewwwwwww?" or "Hey! I think that guy is using you for money"..

Trust me, I never gained anything out of being honest and blunt & neither did I by being polite and sensitive. It's like people are stupid. They want you to be honest, but at their convenience. They want you to be sensitive but then they want you to speak the truth coz you know, "You are my friend" or "you are my family".

I am one of those stupid people myself. I just can't find a balance between honesty and being sensitive. And I know my husband is always at the receiving end coz of that. You can't choose one, it's a lot to do with timing I think.

All in all, in today's world, people do not appreciate honesty much. It's like "You know HKM, man!! she is crazy weird man!! she is just too honest man! not for this world..not for this world".. hahahahahaha..

But then, I like being weird..that's just me. I am this whole package and I am not for everyone. If you have me for a friend or for family, trust me to hold you back when I know you are jumping in a well or to slap you hard out of a stupid decision. Oops!! just metaphorically...

Like right now I wanna be really honest towards whoever is reading this. Guys!! you remember people who bullied you in school and college..or probably did not even know that you existed..?? Do you? and now how they want to be your bestest friends on every social media network. I am like what the hell, I know how evil you are..and have been and that's never gonna change... so why bother?

Also, people with no sense of humor, please steer clear of my blog..friends with me or not friends with me.

I am too old to bother with the justification shit..read it at your own risk...and if you get offended, please don't bother me with it...

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Kudi Punjaban in Amrika!!

It's been a long time. Almost a year, that I have shifted base to another country. There does not go a single day when I don't miss my home, my country.

But then, sometimes there are certain decisions we HAVE to take. I have travelled across the world before too, but never made another country my home. This is new. It's more like I left a part of me back home in India.

All my friends, my family and my life is there. Everything is so real and personal in my hometown. The golgappe waale uncle still recognizes me, after all these years. I was 5 yrs old when I first tasted Golgappe ka khatta waala paani. He always addressed me as "Gudiya". The chemist, the grocery store guy, the temple priest, the chowkidaar, the kirayedaars...everyone seems important now.

I always was one of those people who wanted to get lost in a crowd, in a country where no one knows me...but this is real NOW. I miss home, I miss all these people and everything that irritated me about my house, my colony and my people.

At different junctures in life I have realized that I never am the person that I think I am. I mean I was supposed to be this loner, right?? But I guess I am not. I miss my dad's yelling, my mom's pestering to eat on time, my Chachu's constant taunts over my work-hours, the sachcha pyaar of my dogs - Happy & Rustam, the teasing and fights with my brothers, the gossip with my sis-in-laws.

Sigh!! Yep, Amrika is a good country and all that..but Amrika ne dil bech ke buildings kharid li hain...Mere desh mein ab bhi dil zindaa hain...buildings nahi ghar hain :)

I still remember almost a year back when I was leaving home, I secretly kissed the walls of my room and promised to come back some day, for real..for good..

The only thing I enjoy in Amrika is that I can walk from my house to the stores without worrying about some guy groping me, slapping me or molesting me. I know I will not be judged for I am a woman and I will not be type-casted the way I am back home. No country is foolproof, I know..but some are just better in some ways..

Anyways!! THIS we will talk about some other day.

Mast raho, Dilchasp raho...and please leave your blog links in comments, if you read this. My blogroll is really old and most of you have updated your blog links.

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Learnings from my marriage - v1.0.

Can't believe I have been married for 1.5 yrs already or that I have known my Patidev (yep! that's what I call him at times *wink*) for past 4.5 years. Really, time just flies by.

I said in my earlier marriage-post that I will come back and update. Well! there is way too much to say and share.

First of all, I think marriage made me grow up a little bit and sober down somehow. Being the typical front-bencher that I have been, I will mention what all I have learnt in the past 1. 5 years in bullet points :P *ting*

I have learnt to be a lot more patient. Now, I wait for people to finish what they are saying before I react. Earlier, on the basis of their first few sentences I would mentally sum-up my reaction and blurt it out..not anymore.
I have learnt to "listen". Yes, this is an art and it ofcourse is important for every relationship.
I have learnt to love despite difference of opinion.
I have accepted that people won't change their core characteristics ever, so it is always better to make peace with it and be happy
I have embraced love that comes my way every day in different forms, sometimes as a song he hums while I cook for him in the kitchen, sometimes as a wink from him when we are in separate groups at a party, sometimes as a angry stare at me when I gobble up blackberry jelly in one go :P
I have learnt to value my mother 100 times more that I ever did. What would I have done without her? OMG!! she is my guardian angel and go-to-person for all the "how-tos" Always lending a patient ear to my ramblings about stuff.
I have learnt to buy sabzi-bhaaji.. and grocery. I can now easily bargain over Dhania-mirchi with my local sabziwaala.
I have learnt to share special dishes I cook, with my super-cook padosan cum friend.
I have learnt how to install a LPG cylinder on my own, how to fix broken taps, how to extract 5 milk products out of 2 litres of milk..hehehe
I have learnt how the stereotypes of men and women were lame and all in my head, when he offered to do the dishes and share house-work with me.
I learnt you should be honest in marriage but sometimes it is better to stay mum than to voice your exact feelings at THAT moment.
I learnt that sometimes it is so fulfilling to do things to make someone else happy.
I learnt that traditions and rituals are so much fun.
I learnt that people will always return warmth with love.
I learnt that if you treat them as your parents, they will love you as their daughter.
I learnt that mother-in-laws are not devils as they are projected to be, they are sensitive, caring and loving just like every other woman you know..and just that they love their sons way too much and their lives surround around their kids, so you should not expect them to LET GO when you come into picture. They will always have wisdom to share and the secret to the happiness of the whole family. and How can you forget the funny stories about the husband's childhood..?
I learnt that there will be differences, there will be arguments, but it is not always necessary to stand your ground and fight for it. At times, a delayed reaction helps.
I learnt that no matter how much he teases you in person, he will always give a proud smile when he is out with you.
I learnt it is as challenging and new to me, as it is to him.
I learnt that me and him, we are a team.
I also learnt ki itti baat karne se nazar lag jaati hain (Courtesy: Mumma and Mom :P )

So I will stop now. All in all, life is like a sinusoidal wave now. Up! Down! Up! Down! Up! Bah!! Hope you guys are having fun. More to come soon.

Mast raho, Dilchasp raho!

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Enough is enough!

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Thank you

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The Key to a successful marriage...

I had a lot of notions about marriage before I got married, but I have eventually realized that it is indeed an important part of our lives. Like those earlier transitions - school, college, job.. marriage is yet another transition.

It is huge for sure. I mean it is Part 2 of your life. There is a life you have before marriage and then there is one that you have after you find your partner. It is like doing life from scratch.

Marriage is more than living with a room-mate (I have seen some cosmo-types sites suggesting that married people should stay like paying guests, Bullshit!). Like living with your parents, teaches you whole lot of patience. Part 2 of your life, teaches you another kilogram of patience.

You adapt to new people, new environment.. and so they do. But all in all, in our country the generic expectation is that the woman should adapt, but things are changing a bit with the men coming forward and making an effort.

One thing I have realized is no matter what you do.. Manz and Womanz log, you MUST know basic household work, for the sake of your partners. Because when you live together, only one person cannot carry the burden of household work. It is ofcourse YOUR house and both of you would want to keep it tidy and a good place to live in, but yeah! you would need some skills.

Living out of the suitcase, most of my life, it came across as a big challenge for me. But with the patience and support of my partner, I learnt how to manage home and work at the same time.

Guys, you MUST learn to cook, clean, wash etc.. like women do.. because with your gal working and travelling like you do, it won't make sense eating out everyday or living in a hellhole. Unless you want bigger bellies etc.

Another thing we gals need to learn is to SHUT UP sometimes. So you had a bad day, someone bitched about you, the maid did not turn up, there is too much politics at work, or you know that your partner is not right in conventional terms or there is something they said and did which is hurtful or there is something bothering you...Sometimes it is better to shut-up and wait, than blabber/react and make things worse.

All I know of men, they are very conclusion-oriented beings. What means a 'conversation' to a woman, is a 'fight' to a man.. :P Since we women have a tendency to just keep blabbering about our day and major-minor issues, Men immediately jump in for our protection and start offering solutions, which we don't want. We can find our own solutions. All we want is someone we know cares enough to listen to us, don't we? and I think Men cannot get it.. since they are programmed to be the problem-fixers. This is what they have lived upto.

Anyways, all in all, Marriage is pure fun.. because there is so much to learn and explore every single day.. about YOU, about THEM and about the relationship itself..

So like every relationship, you will have some good days, some bad days.. What matters is what you make of it.. I still don't understand why people crib about marriage.. You either do it or get out..

There is absolutely NO key to a successful marriage.. you just gotta be there, stop taking it too seriously and live it up :) :)

Will add more, as I know more..

Tab tak.. mast raho! dilchasp raho

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Tumhare haath ka takia...

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Just Married

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Yeh jo desh hain mera...

I know most of the people look at such blog titles and yawn to themselves -- One more patriot, One more post full of whining about how our country is going to the dogs, One more yap-yap..yap-yap...

I think what I am going to say here is more of a concern than a rant. I don't know who can fix it.. me? you? the government? the people of the country? or God?

I sit back in the AC cubicle in my Client office and as I read through the news items, I wonder how the poor is getting poorer and the rich is getting richer. How I strive to earn more so I can buy a better brand, afford a better house and a better life..while there are people in some place in my country who don't even have ek-waqt-ka-khaana.

How I so easily make a face to my over-cooked Cilantro pasta in a hotel and leave some on the plate...While there are thousands who would lick that plate dry coz they have not seen food for days, IN MY COUNTRY.

When you start thinking or reading or writing about such stuff, you feel so depressed about the whole thing.. but then this is how it is and I cannot make any tall claims that "Oh! I am so awesome that I will leave my comfortable cubicle and walk miles to help these people". I know right now, I won't.

"I can't" is not an option coz if I am ready to renounce my comfort, I can do anything.

I just sit back here, like a hypocrite, sipping on my green tea and using the latest technology and social media to voice my "oh-so-sympathetic-views".

Man! that sucks.. I mean becoming this person.On days like these, I hate myself..I hate the fact that I am not doing enough for anyone anymore.

I had dreams of changing the face of the country and doing things for people, when I was in school, in college.. and then I got addicted to this life that I live and forgot all of them??

I donno if people who are reading it are awesome or just like me..

But I think, just sending a donation every alternate month through some online service to these people, is not going to help them. Things have to be fixed, at the root-level. HOW? I donno.. right now, I don't.

Just that WE, as people and as a country need help.

I don't think the time is to stay mast and dilchasp... this is probably the time to take charge as a citizen and as a human being to at least create some difference. Coz my success is meaningless as a citizen, if the people in my country are killing themselves over poverty and starving to death.

Depress mat hona padke. Padna.. Sochna.. Bhool Jaana. Bharat Maata ki Jai!!

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About scars, professionalism and blah blah...

The bandage came off today and let me tell you, there are some very gross marks on the hand, that are going to stay for some time, the wound is still there but it is no longer an open wound. I hope though, there are no scars left behind.

During this whole month, I came across different reactions to my accident. Some were heart-warming and some were completely shocking. I concluded people are not at all sensitive to someone's suffering, and not to the 'marks' when it comes to a woman.

Anyways.

I have started traveling for work again and it is difficult you know, to carry luggage with just one hand or even to manage "NOT TO" hurt myself in the public places. Simple tasks such as picking up the dinner plate all by myself are a pain with only my left hand at work.

This whole accident also made me see how people are not sensitive even on professional front. If you won't do it, someone else will - that is the mantra everyone follows.

It is sad that in the race of earning more revenues and all, we end up being insensitive to the people who are responsible for the growth of our business.

No calls from work at all, to ask if I am alive or not.

Worst of all is, people from work who pretended to be considerate otherwise, turned their backs. That is ridiculous, coz it is professional courtesy to call up people you work with.Isn't it? I am highly disappointed with it and let me tell you such an attitude has only one repercussion, the people who passionately worked for the business, take a step back and just do what is required and stop going that extra mile.

I think when someone says there are "Professional", they should really understand what that means, being ruthless or cold is not professional.

I donno how do we categorize such people.. but the whole point is, if a business does not respect the people that helps it in its growth, it cannot survive for long.

That is just my opinion though. I believe in that.

Baaki Chennai is too much of "Ghich Ghich Chip Chip"...but I live next to a beach and trust me, after all the shit I have been through in past one month, this one is a nice break where I have just me for company, I talk to the sea, the birds and sometimes to the beautiful starry sky..

Thank you, God. I needed this, may be. Although, I still miss my friends and wonder if they miss me too :)

Mast raho, Dilchasp raho!!

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Pressure-cooker foot gaya.. BOOOOOOOOM!! :P

So, July 18 2012 is done with. There was a pressure cooker blast while I was cooking and almost everyone I met after that tells me that I am lucky to have survived with just my right-hand badly injured. People die in such accidents or get their faces or limbs disfigured for life :( That's pretty scary. Ni?

To start with, I am better. I use my left hand 100% and my right hand 50% as of now.

Such incidents bring us closer to life, people and some realities. Like, I realized how my friends are few, how my mom loves me to death, how it is SOO important to stay fit and healthy, how it is so difficult to depend on others for basic stuff like "combing your hair" and how resilient I am as a person.

Surprisingly, I also realized that I have quite a threshold for pain. While my mom was screaming and crying at the top of her voice when this accident happened, I was just too calm even in pain, trying to calm her down.

Such a shock it was, the whole food over me.. hot..and our whole kitchen turned into a nightmare.. Tubelights were burst, crockery broken, stove broken, Chimney fell on my head. hehehe!! Now, when I look at all this, I feel so funny.

What a trouble-magnet I am...but then, people of my house should thank me for getting EVERYTHING new in the kitchen..I am still sad that I did not KILL Dad's 1950s mixer-grinder in this accident :P

Sigh!! no matter how much I joke about it.. it was a horrific thing..and I really pray that something like this never happens to ANYONE.

Oh! I forgot to mention the interesting visitors I got. Most of my relatives came up with -- "Haaye! kudi ka mooh teh ni jalyaa? Vyaah kiddaan hoyeha aida?" :P - -Lemme translate, my relatives were more concerned about how will they marry me off if I burnt my face n all. Amazing people.

BTW, I have a funny and cute doctor to tend to me. He is such a positive influence. I still have bandages ON..but I am optimistic.

Thanks to ALL of you for sending across your wishes and yep! one day at a time, I am getting better.

Much love..

Mast raho, Dilchasp Raho..

Footey kittey bhi pressure cooker, Tum Dhinchakk raho! :P

I also know now that Every near-death experience instills a lil more life into me.

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Burnt...not finished yet...

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They told me so...

It is said that people we meet all through our lives, make us the people we become. Today, I plan to blog about a couple of things that were shared with me, by the people I value... at different junctures of my life.

- "Logon ka achcha kiya yaad rakhkho, bura bhool jaao, jeevan sulajh jaayega" - "Always remember the 'good' someone has done to you and forget the 'bad', this would make your life simpler --- Dad

- "Ek chup, sau sukh" - You don't need to respond to every argument or statement. Silence brings along serenity & happiness -- Mom

- "Ati ka bhalaa na bolna, Ati ki bhali naa chup" - "It is not wise to talk too much, or even to stay silent for long. One should balance it well" -- My grandma

- "God always provide you with the much-needed jolt, if he sees you stuck in the dumps for long. You have to make a choice, either STAY in dumps and wait for the jolt, or Take a step forward and get out it" -- My ex-room-mate and friend.

- "Everything in life can be categorized under "Assets" and "Liabilities" -- A friend and guide.

- "There should be only one priority in your life. You" -- My best friend.

- "Never take undue advantage of people. That's just inhuman" -- Dad

- "Love, because it is important to know to 'give without expecting much in return' in life" -- Mom

- "The best way to end an argument is to ask yourself if the relationship is important for you or winning the argument" -- Mom

- "There is one person you can always believe in, You" -- Mom

- "Everybody leaves" -- A man I loved.

- "If it does not make you happy, it is not worth it" -- Friend.

- "Love madly, deeply and unconditionally. That makes you human. No matter how much it hurts" -- A man who loved me.

- "If they don't love you, let go" -- A friend who loved me.

- "A man who would not acknowledge his love for you, is not worth your time" -- A gal friend.

- "Marriage does not need too much work, if you have Love by your side" -- Mom

Will keep sharing some more of these.. tab tak,

Mast Raho, Dilchasp Raho!!

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Why?

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