Once a saint, Now a sinner: 2010

Bangalore Diaries : Sab achche ke liye hota hain

They say life is all about uncertainty..... Well yeah!! probably it is...

You may never know what is coming your way while you are busy planning on a million other things... Many people might have told you the same thing too many times in your life.

I experience it yet again this time.

A surprise-call on a Sunday night brought me to Bangalore from Mumbai. Trust me I did not even want to be here. I complained way too much to my boss asking him why he always chooses me to rescue projects as if I am the only one. He smiled over the call and said " You are THE TROUBLE MAGNET and you have to live with it".

I was like "Yeah right". I really did not want to leave Mumbai for even a minute this week. This was my last week in Mumbai, I wanted to live every moment to the utmost.

It's been 4 days ever since I landed in Bangalore. It has been weird and boring but something interesting happened today. The hotel I was staying it in Mumbai, caught fire. I mean, come on!! hadd ho gayi... I would have been in my room if I was in Mumbai... The very moment I saw that news, I told myself "Now you know why you are here. THIS is your reason" and all the wailing n frustration I had faded away.

Today is my last day in Bangalore and I was excited to get back to Mumbai... reached airport much before the flight time of 8:30 pm and all I saw there was a huge crowd and people shouting. Ah! my flight was declared delayed by 3 hours... which means... I looked at my watch and it was 6:15 pm... so I told myself in my head "which means I am here for another 5 hours, I am stranded". At that very moment, I wanted to cry. I was in too much pain and could not even imagine sitting and waiting for my flight.

Well, I made frantic calls to my friend in Mumbai to help me get tickets. He tried but we could not make it. So finally I decided to board the flight at 11:30.. and yeah! there is a hidden meaning in everything happens.

THIS delay gave me time to shop for some books... and to read one too. I have been gifted this "Eat Pray Love" copy by a friend. I have been looking for it for a long time and when I finally got it, I did not have the time to read it.

Right now, as I read through the book, I realize that everything does happen for a reason. If not for this delay, I would not have started reading this wonderful book. I am loving it so far. I guess I needed this time,m I needed this break, I needed this time to rediscover, learn and read and do what I love the most -- READ!!

More on the book, laters ;) mwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

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Mumbai Diaries : Secrets that were never shared

The reason I have not been writing here is that I am not a dishonest writer and if I practice honesty, I will be opening my heart to a whole set of people who judge me and my life on the basis of what they read. Some of them are MY people and that's why it matters. I don't care, no more ;)

So I met a prospective groom in Mumbai... There is a back-story to it. Apparently, I NEVER wanted to see him and there was this huge hoo-haa about me declining to meet him at home, so I went ahead and met him. Also, a dear friend suggested that if I am contemplating marriage with him, I should shun the thought and meet the prospective groom.

Funny thing is, how when you are single, 27-ish and hanging out with a male friend...he gets all wary of you and has only one thing on his mind - "OMG, she must be so desperate to get married, What if she thinks that I will marry her?"... My response to this is - Thanks!! If I 'really' wanna marry you, I would mention it. Also, stop this thought process. Not every woman whoz in late twenties or thirties is a sad woman, waiting for some friend of hers to show mercy and get married to her.

WE have a life... WE have dreams and We do have our choices that we make. I felt deeply hurt when my friend mentioned this and told me oodles of stories about his cheating escapades to make sure that I don't ask him to marry me.I was shocked. I mean, come on... Wait up!! I am not desperate that I am gonna jump all over you and make you mine. Nopes!! You should have asked me how I feel before assuming. *sigh*

Sometimes, people end up saying things that they should not have said. Khair!!

Guys, remember one thing... NEVER, I say NEVER assume such things about women....

Weird is, this was the day when I decided to share my deepest secrets with him. I take time to open up and I thought THAT day that we had this comfort level to share everything... but his hassled act closed all doors. I knew right there, I cannot say anything... I was silent all thru the evening while he talked...I smiled and he asked me why I was smiling...

When I am hurt, angry or in pain... I have this weird smile on my face... and only those who are close to me, know this...

Mumbai, you really 'do' boast of people who are not compassionate... I feel sad that I have been let down...

Oh! about THE prospective groom, we will talk in next post... loads of masala, I tell you ;)

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Mumbai Diaries : Past Relationships, Baggage and Trusting again.

Isn't it easy to blame someone for all the hurt that comes to you?? Do you ever look inside, do you even indulge in some level of soul-searching to find out what caused you pain??

I do that all the time... Not to analyze the reason for my pain or to find someone to blame it onto... but to understand why things went the way I never wanted them to.

For some people, it is easy to become a sorry figure, to sit in a corner and point fingers at the other person. But, do we even realize that there is always two in a relationship and when things go wrong, both suffer.

Being with someone who does not trust you is a huge battle to win. You have to prove yourself every moment, you have to make sure in front of them 24X7 that you are not going to turn your back to them and never come back.

The important aspect of any relationship is TRUST and if you expect loyalty from someone, you gotta give them some of yours. You gotta trust to be trusted.

Yes, things go wrong. Yes, people ditch. Yes, people are mean. But that does not mean that you will start suspecting every single person who comes your way. Don't judge someone on the basis of all the people you have met in the past. It becomes really difficult for the person to prove himself/herself at every juncture just to win your vote of trust.

If you love and respect yourself... you will see it all coming back to you in two-folds...

Don't make it tough for the other person in a relationship by comparing them to everyone you have met in the past. let them breathe. let them create newer memories with you.

Learn. Grow. Explore. Take some. Give some and things will look up soon. Most importantly, TRUST!!!

No matter how many times your heart has been broken by random people....never stop trusting, loving and hoping.. They make you who you are.

Remember there is someone out there who is suffering as much as you are.. who is trying to make it work.If you can't do anything else to help them... at least DON'T make it tough for them...

Sometimes you have someone really genuine ... feeling for you... doing things for you.. taking care of you and you lose them just because you compare and you never let them inside your fence.

Think about it. Love ya.

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Mumbai Diaries - Paagalpanti ke side-effects

Last night while coming back from office I had such a solid craving for Paani-puri that for a couple of minutes I felt utterly pregnant. Oh! but, wait a minute, how does it feel to be pregnant? shuh! I donno... but as they say it was a solid craving.

I asked the driver to stop the car on ANY roadside thelaa... haan! yaar, jo mazaa raastey ki chaat khaaney mein hain.. woh kahin nahi....

I pestered him so much that finally, he found a place and we stopped and I ate paani-puri jee bhar ke... yeah! the place was the shadiest I have ever been to :D :D but no worries....

Ummmmmmmmmmmmm.... was the feeling...

Although, I paid a heavy price for the same. Next morning when I woke up, I felt that there were thousands of needles being pricked on the insides of my throat... Oh! damn... I caught a throat infection and NOW, my nose is running... but then *shrugs* anything for a paanipuri naa...

Life mein thodi pagalpanti zaruri hain :P I know it's gonna take days for me to get back to normal... and frankly, those of you who have been reading me for months n years know that I am too touchy about falling sick... I act like a complete kid when am sick.

So, right now... as I lay in my bed typing this post, I have tears in my eyes and I am badly missing maa... coz am sick... Migraine is just about to bang the walls of my head... and I am being too moody right now.. but then that's just me... Being sick makes me cranky, weird and mad... ahem! stop grinning, I know am anyways weird and mad... :D :D

Also, I started writing this diary with a very bad mood haunting me...but somehow I feel a little better now.

Yeah rite. Apart from being sick, I am being subjected to indifference by someone I thought cared for me.... I know that's the hard part. I dont want to be the sob-sob baby craving for attention... I will keep the hurt inside and wear the fake smile so no-one knows what lies behind the smile...

Haan! Haan! I told u naa in my last post, there is a story behind every smile... and YOU, will never know mine :D Sssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Jab mann karey hasso, Jab mann karey ro do... par life ko ek dum dil khol ke jiyo :) :) Love you.

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Mumbai Diaries : There is always a story behind a smile

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Mumbai Diaries - The Cab Ride

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Breaking Away, Finding Myself and Losing myself again :)

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Dallas Diaries : Day 2-9 : Dance, Romance and Take a Chance :D

Sunny mentioned how I did not complete this diary series and I am slowly killing my blog. Hmmmph!!!!!!!!!!

Here is the rest of the story from the Dallas trip :

Day 2 : My first day in office and Marriott was gracious enough to drop me at office. I saw a billboard on my way to office that shooed away all my nervousness of meeting a hi-fi client -- "Your wife is HOT, Time to repair your AC". The fonts were different and it was so funny when you read it the first time. Khair! I met my two colleagues, Danny (D) and Anthony (A) as I entered the conference room. Both of them turned out to be complete gems.

Day 3-5 : It was not a complete cake walk, believe me. We did not get the expected support from the client. I burnt my pasta twice. How can you burn pasta?? don't ask me.. Seriously... I have no clue, who I was talking to when I did it... That too, twice. For days, I assumed it was love... until I realized that I was just multitasking too much... *sigh* all my hopes of being in love were thrashed in a moment. Reality sucks!! Baad mein...We had a nice dinner get-together at D's trailer park and he cooked awesome Indian Dal while I made Gobi ke paranthe, mixed veg, pulaao and Rajma... Was fun.

Day 6-7 : Aha! weekend came and brought along PMS. I wanted to cry... I did not want to cry... I wanted to shop.. I did not want to shop... I went to Walmart in a dazed state and to satisfy my PMS-instincts, I shopped like it was the last time, I was doing it. To top it all, I forgot some of my shopping bags back in Walmart without even realising that I did. Did you say LOVE?? *yawns* -- Nahiii... too much of work yaa!

I spent my Sunday sulking about how empty my life is? Why the F is everyone getting married now? Why is it that everyone just NEEDS me when they need me and I don't have someone I can even supposedly need?? Too much of hell, you see. If you are a gal, you would know what I am talking about. PMS sucks!! Like really.. more than Spinach... lol. I made Anurag call me and I wailed n wailed... Poor thing, listened to me patiently. I love this guy. He is a true friend... The one who loves u at your worst also.

Day 8-9 : Somehow I let the Sunday pass. D and A took me out to a Mexican Place. Oh! Did I ever tell you guys how much I love Quesadilla. I ordered the veg one... Nice place it was. Parrrrrrrrr... Veg meant boiled spinach in the rolls... Mummy!! Yeah! Mummy... You are the one I thought about. She knows how much I hate Spinach....Khair....

A asked me to join him for a 'Texas Two Step' dance class and I thought let's give it a try. It was weird... for someone like me... I mean, come on! I have never had a guy hold me by my waist and dance with me... Most of the time, I was leading the dance and the instructor got frustrated in 10 mins hi.. :D :D lol.. she said - "You eldest? You have a habit of taking care of people? He is the man, let him take the lead and you follow"... I smiled sheepishly and let him the take the lead then and Oh boy! I danced and danced... and I loved it... Wow! I felt so feminine after that... I felt so beautiful.. Really!

It was hard to say bye to the wonderful hotel and my team. I have so much to say and tell... par in my next post will give u ek dum dhinchak gossip on my last week there and the return journey... khe khe...

Haan! main aalsi hoon... maar lo... dheere dheere catch-up kar rahin hoon... :D Love you hain!

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Falling in love with the wrong ones - ( Gal Talk)

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Dallas Diaries : Day 1 - Hush, Rush, Lost and finally, found ;)

Here I am, back with the Diary-series.

For a change, this time my flight to US was not scheduled too late at nite or too early in the morning. It was at something around 8 am. Even then I did not sleep the whole nite due to the stress of travelling.

I chose British Airways instead of Lufthansa this time... coz *shrugs* it takes lesser flying time as compared to Lufthansa... but frankly, people gave me such bad reviews about BA, that I went there without any expectations at all and I was so pleasantly surprised. As always, I took an aisle seat (it's recommended if u have a long flight) and did what I do the best : Sleep with my mouth open :D :D

9 hours in the flight were gooooood. I had kids for company and we played, teased, made faces and smiled a lot. Also, a cute old couple was sitting next to me, I liked the way they took care of each other. Made me think, will I be able to hold onto a relationship for that long?? *sigh*

I had 4.5 hrs of transit time but then delay in arrival and distant gates, made me almost miss my connecting flight to Dallas from London. I was, mind you!! the last passenger.. so I had this doubt in my mind about my luggage. They say BA is famous for losing luggage :D

Immigration was a bad experience for the FIRST time in my life. I lost my itinerary (actually I did not lose it, it was in that book I was reading and I almost forgot to look there) and the Immigration officer, although an Indian, pestered me a lot about why? how? when? but then when I told her that she can see my passport to confirm that I travel frequently for work, she checked some stuff in there and let me go.. *sigh of relief*

OMG! how can I forget this? The flight steward in the BA flight was so hot.. I mean the moment he smiled at me, I was like all weak in my knees.. :D bwahahahaha... Thank God, really.. for after a long time, I gotta see a guy as a steward in my flight :D

AA flight to Dallas was peaceful, I got an aisle again n no one sitting besides me.. so I used both the seats n slept all the way.. On and Off.. On and Off.. :D

The cabbie in Dallas was Thai and he was so talkative.. I mean even more than me.. CAN YOU BEAT THAT?? :D

I took a deep breath once I reached hotel.. got the best room, facing a park.. and trees near my window and wow! the sun shines on me first thing in the morning everyday :D :D yoo hoo...

It is so damn hot here though... I realized when I decided to go shop for grocery in Walmart.. the hotel guys said "Oh! it's nearby". Damn! their near-by was almost 3 kms in the harsh sun.. I got lost... I got tired.. bought what I had to and then asked the hotel to pick me up...

*Sigh* that was it.. how can my life be devoid of masala?? :D :D hehe... When I got lost, the first thing that came to my mind was.. Hell yeah! ho gayi gadbad.. but that's so like me...

Khair... baaki ki isshtory next post mein... there is not internet in office but I can access blogger on and off .... :) will keep commenting n posting..

Ding Ting Ding :D :D Ciao! Love.

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Remember Me...

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Dekho kaun aaya hain... ;)

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Nasty Post

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I am going to cheat on you, darling.

It is about cheating, adultery or watever they call it, this time.

I wonder at times, why do people decide to marry someone out of their own will and then, boom! they cheat on the very same partners. What triggers it?

Frankly, I think every cheater has an excuse and here are some examples : (things I have heard from the horse's mouth)

- My husband/wife does not have time for me.

- There is no passion left.

- I think I never loved him/her in the first place.

- I deserve better.

- She/He does not understand me.

I have just one question - Why the F did you marry that person then? Anyways, this is pure bullshit. ;) We all know that.. Even the people throwing it at us... know it.

And then I would want to definitely go inside the woman's mind who is being cheated by husband/boyfriend and they still cling to the relationship and try to make things work or as they say, accept it as it is. *Sigh*

My point is - The very moment you realize you are not in love with your partner. Tell them. Tell them before you end up cheating on them with someone else coz that bloody hurts more... and it breaks a person completely emotionally.

The very first sign of detachment should be recognized and addressed. Why cheat?

I mean, you go and sleep around or get emotionally attached while someone is out there waiting for you, thinking that you are as much as in love with them as they are... Dah! isn't that sick? I mean, I donno... may be I am a different person...but doing something like that, is unacceptable.

Cheating is no more confined to sex only... there is emotional cheating too. You don't sleep with a certain person but you do share your life, whats up there in ur mind and heart with the other person...you form a bond ...that is meant to be formed with your spouse or partner or probably you fall in love with someone else.

Simple thing is : When you think you will cheat...or things are not going the way they should be. Talk it out. The other person has a right to their life too. If you don't love them, tell them. Let them decide for their own life.

Let me tell you one more thing, a person who cheats almost all the time blames the partner for their philandering ways, which is crap. Like they say, every wrong doing has some 'right' excuse to support it so one can escape the moral blame or guilt.

*shrugs* I have no respect for someone who cheats, no matter for watsoever reasons coz Cheating has no justification...Simple.

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Dad's Mixer Love-Affair :D :D

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10 somethings about me...

Yeah! I talk a lot about me on my blog... but then.. *shrugs* it's MY blog :D

So in usual circumstances, I do that without being asked.But this time around, Ramit has asked me to do the same in his tag ;) Thank you, Ramit. You are still my hero! :D

I have to mention 7 random things about me...eh? 7 is too less Ramit, can I make it 10?? *sheepishly smiles*

1. I am a complete tom-boy (yeah even NOW! when I am 27). Frankly, I don't care if you know my age ;). I still don't get it why I should be all made-up and dressed in churidaars whole day. I love my night-shirts more than anything and can roam around in them forever (ofcourse at home). I hate doing my eyebrows and getting my legs waxed but I love Kohl,mascara and LBDs ;)

2. I am allergic to strong smells as in medically allergic, and even then I have the BEST collection of perfumes ;) *boasts*.Chanel, Estee Lauder and Chopard collections are my favs.

3. I am an agony aunt for most of my friends and relatives. Some of them are as old as 50 ;) but when it comes to me, I never share the REAL stuff with anyone and usually crib n talk about my work and weight. Personally, I think no one understands me, like every human being thinks.

4. I am eagerly waiting for the day when my Dad would say "I am so much proud of you". Everyday I work harder, I try harder, just to hear that from him. I am still waiting. My mom says that often... and I love her for that.

5. I have long hair and I prefer to keep them open all the time, which irks everyone around me. I just cannot bear the burden of a big bun on my neck..LOL! .. I tie my hair really tight when I do.

6. I hesitate to approach people when I need help. In case I do approach someone and they get busy or reply casually, I NEVER ask them for help again no matter how hard it is for me to carry on. I have this big EGO or sensitivity, whatever they call it. I love to help but I am scared to ask for it when I need, so I usually end up finding a solution on my own.

7. I deeply feel for issues such as Violence against women and kids, AIDS and Gay rights. I want to contribute as much as I can to make people aware of these issues and help them if they are going through any kind of harassment.

8. I may come across as a snob or a hard-hearted person but deep down, I am just an ordinary gal with very ordinary dreams. I still believe in Mills n Boons and romantic songs and dream of having dher saarey babies with some moron who decides to stay with me forever.

9. I have committment phobia....and of a serious kind ;) It is difficult to love me, you gotta set me free and still not let me go completely...You gotta protect me at times but still let me take care of myself too...in short, I hate being tied down.

10. I am a big fattu inside (Thank God Mom does not read my blog...else the lingo...ahem!) but I have seen when life throws any problem on our family or me, I am the only one around to share the burden with Dad and I do it pretty well, sometimes even without his help. Everyone around me thinks that I am the strongest amongst the family after my dad. LOL!!

Oh! yeah... I also want to tag some people I want to know more about... ;) So I tag :

1. Peter (coz he is as mad as me)

2. Richa (coz she has not updated for a long time)

3. Mads (coz she needs to write)

4. Hobo (coz he never talks abt himself in his posts)

5. Americanising Desi (coz I need to knw some more)

6. Ria (coz I really want to knw what u will share here..)

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Doesn't matter if you are black or white....

I am a lil worried about one of our blogger frenz, it seems her parents took her cellphone away and she is not able to keep in touch with all of us. I saw tweets from her where she is contemplating coming out to her folks about her being gay. I donno how they will take it but I really pray that they accept her as who she is and not try to force her to change herself coz frankly she can't.

This brought about a conversation with Mads. We were discussing how if these prejudices were not there in our society, things would have been better.

We judge people on the basis of their complexion (yawns! I don't need to mention matrimony ads again), if they are fat or slim, if they are gay or straight, if they have a stable job or not, a steady income or not... and the list goes on.

Imagine a world without all these prejudices... I think this concept of imperfections would die out soon.

May be coz I am fat I have this line of thought, but I seriously feel that when you are friends with someone or even if you are in a relationship, then the PERSON matters and not the way they look. We keep judging and comparing people on the basis of ... 'yeh kaala, woh gora... yeh mota hain.. woh bahut patlaa hain, OMG! yeh gay hain...etc.'

We need to break away from all this crap and look beyond. Let us look beyond all this. I have friends who are gay and I don't think they expect me to treat thim differently, we hang out the way we do with straight friends.

Does it really matter that a person who stands by you in your time of need is dark or fair?? *shrugs* When we all know that at the end of it all , what matters is the soul of a person and not the skin, beauty, sexuality, money... then why do we still measure people against these parameters?

I am NO saint. I won't say I AM... that would be lying.... If I don't say it, it goes in my mind and I hate this thought-process. In such moments, I ask myself, what would it be like, if I ever her/him and the faintest hint of prejudice that exists diminishes completely.

We have read it too many times, we tell people the same thing so many times, let us practice it for once. Let people be who they are. Let us not judge them for how they look, what they earn or what sexuality they have coz deep inside there is a person who needs the same loves as we do, has the same potential and at times greater than what we have...

Give people a chance.. Give yourself a chance to be good. Give life a chance yaar :)

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You gotta problem with me?? haha

Life che! Infact, I must say, MERI life che.. toh masala toh hoga hi ;)

My close friend is leaving,to pursue his dreams and I know I will miss him loads but then, like all friends, we will also try to keep in touch. I have a message for him - "You know what?I am not good at saying what I want to say when I should say it...but I wish you luck and success in all that you do and remember that, I will miss you almost roz... :P but that DOES NOT make you my boyfriend" :D :D LOL!! So stop flattering yourself and get a hot gal for a gf as soon as you reach where your dreams and life is waiting for you. I really will miss you yaar" *sigh*

The project I am working on is going down the drain, in front of my eyes. I cannot do much about it. I work 18 hours everyday and everybody hates me at home, amongst friends and even Happy Singh dumped me last week. I am tired of juggling my relationships and work. Somebody needs me...n I am not there.. or if work needs me... I am not there.

Yeah! I need a break but I can't take one. I am the lonely warrior right now. Hate me or Love me... Wait for me or Let me go -- I leave it all to you... :)

Like I said, I am hibernating now :D This is THAT time when I shut myself up to everyone. Since this is MY space and I can go on and on about how stupid, lame and weird I am... ;) I am doing that...LOL!!

Last week., there came a day when I decided I will marry.. yeah! right.. don't rub your eyes... :D I thought what it would be like -- to be a rich man's wife and file my nails whole day and run in n out of malls and say "Excuse Me, Trial room kahan hain?".. then come back home with shopping bags.. crib about life... gossip and go out again... *Sigh*

I almost committed this mistake of getting married to a man I have no clue about,this week...but I donno...one night I feel I am all finished and then I wake up in the morning and tell myself "Do Hell with it!! This is my life..Let's kick some ass and fix it" :P Thank God, for I have THIS side to me... ;)

So what if I am weird... ;) There are many people who love me for my quirky and strange side...and I love them too... *winks* I donno what shock or surprise Monday will bring..but I have cut off from everyone for now... I just need some time with me... to fix this stuff up and then may be Monday will bring some good news.. Let's hope so ;)

BTW, I am also working over the weekend... Dah! but I still love my life... :) :) Atleast, I have a job... I am thankful to God today for everything...even if it is the pain.

This week, I also realised who the REAL people are and who all are FAKE. Meri thodi si problem hain..like Richa says "Tera mann jaldi pighal jaata hain"...LOL... *shrugs* I can't fix it. So if you need any help ever, I am there for you...but if you think you are smart... :P haha! You have mistaken me...I stopped trusting people long time back.So while you are busy thinking you are making a fool out of me...I am playing dumb coz I am expected to :D

Baat khatam!! You all have an awesome weekend...while I sulk.. :D :D

Wish my friend loads of luck... :) Please. Love you all. BTW AD!! I almost am off twitter now, mera bhoot utar gaya hain :D :D

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Are you ahem!... virgin?

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A little something you should know about me...

I curse such days...why do we even have them...when everything goes just wrong...but then I tell myself, be it.

This year too I have not been promoted as I see it and I am still slogging like anything. People around me are worried about me and concerned, and I do see that.

Some think that I should stop my career bullshit right here and live like NORMAL gals do. Frankly, I donno what sets apart a normal gal and a gal who thinks she also deserves appreciation n has the right to dream.

I mean like the guys in the house, am I not allowed to think about moving ahead and succeeding in my job but *shrugs* I think like everyone else in the family, some day I will also bury all my dreams for what a NORMAL gal does.

It is not that I love slogging or this life where I am sitting in front of my laptop and doing all sorts of stuff with data,codes and graphics.

I should have taken the Geek comment from the Canadian co-passenger as a wake-up call, I did not. Working in horrendous hours and almost all timezones, I look nothing short of a zombie. I am sure one of these days, someone from the family will dump me in the Loreal Clinic nearby to do what NORMAL gals do. ;)

*Sigh* Frankly, it has been days that I had that good look at myself in the mirror to bother about the acne or THAT chicken pox mark I had or even crib about my weight.

They call it disrespecting oneself. Sometimes, people around me feel that I am secretly killing myself by working like this. I have no excuse, frankly. *shrugs*

Work has always been my anti-dote for everything going wrong and I always come running back to its arms coz it challenges me so much and gives my mind so much to do that I hardly worry about anything else.24 hours seem short.

Deep inside, like every NORMAL gal, I do want a spa break or to hang out with friends...Go and see around... but I ran to work to beat loneliness and now I love it.

Someone trying to enter my walls is nothing short of an intruder. I have been pushing a lot of people away from me knowingly and unknowingly.May be as they say, sometimes you are hurt so bad that you turn cold to everyone else around you.

I love listening to people, helping them out and I really do cherish all such friends but when it comes to talking about me....I do talk... but somehow I start moving away from the people I talk my heart out too. I don't know if it my fault or theirs. But it is a pattern. I am sure some of you who are reading this and my offline frenz too,understand it.

It is very hard to hold me back at such moments. Those who manage to understand that it is not that am rude, it is just that vulenrability in my character irks me, STAY!. The others move on by of course blaming it all on me.

I don't expect those people to understand me. I am sometimes completely with u and at times I disappear all of a sudden. Not coz you scare me...just coz I am like this. My vulnerability irks me, binds me and restricts me... and to escape it, I run away.

I think by far, this is my most open post... I think after a huge battle with myself, I have finally accepted it. And again, this post is not written so you understand me.It is just what came to my mind at this hour.

I hate this side of me. When someone starts getting to close to me or vice-versa, I escape. I am sure my THAT friend is reading this post, I told you once, that I may walk-out anytime but you will have to stop me. I donno how long you can manage to do that or so can others...but THIS side of me, I could not get rid of.

I hate dependency on anyone...I hate being affected by someone or expecting someone to understand me. I am sick of this side of me. Wish I could be more transparent and forthcoming to people. I can be your best friend but why can't I let you be mine?

I have put in a lot of effort to be self-dependent and be happy with myself. I think I am way past the times when I could let anyone take care of me. Now, I cry my own tears and I wipe them on my own. NO! Don't pity me. I am not unhappy as presumed. :)

I am happy with who I am today and no I don't need to shout it to anyone but I do know that some part of me died, it did, gradually. I cannot bring it back. I think it is all a part of growing up. Experiences change you and Mine changed me.

For friends, I am still the same person. So if am not sharing things with you, it does not mean I love you less. It just means that I am like that. For me each friend of mine, matters a lot and am thankful to each one of you.

Note : I am replying to comments in the morning. I am sorry for not doing that in time.

Pic : http://files.myopera.com/Rimikio-Kanka/blog/lonely-devianart-com.jpg

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Marrying the rapist...

Fine. Blame me for it. But this does not get into my head.

The Chief Justice of India, made a statement today about how a victim should be allowed to marry her rapists if she wants to. Ahem! I wonder who would want to marry a person who damaged their soul beyond repair?

I mean, may be, I am not the right person to comment here, but all I understand is that I still have so much anger for the man who groped me when I took my first bus to college, the man who back-slapped me while I was out for a walk, the man who attempted rape on my co-traveler in front of my eyes, the man who forcefully dragged me to a train and tried to molest me when I was 6 yrs old and the list goes on...

Sorry, I cannot forget these men and I can simply NEVER FORGIVE them. Then, how do I understand marrying the rapist part?

Dear Mr. Balakrishnan, I understand your empathy to the victims but let us not encourage such statements as it will only throw in a perception that you can rape a woman and then force her into marrying you by taking advantage of her emotional as well as social trauma.

But then *shameless shrug* -- We have so many married women in our country who are brutally raped by their husbands and they live with it. *sigh* I know why you made this statement, Sir. I NOW understand what made you assume that a woman who has been battered,torn and tormented by a man, will marry the same guy and stay with him all her life. I really do.

I feel sad for such women and for those of you who assume that the EDUCATED-lot of women do not give into marital rape. They do.

Damn! we women are so guilt-ridden. We hardly understand that what happens to us is not our fault.

Like I always say, my request to everyone who reads me is : Encourage the women you know, to stand up for themselves. I always make sure that I discuss this with my friends and my cousins, so they are more responsible towards their life and the other women around them.

WE (the women) are not responsible for the molestation, harassment and acts on insanity done to us. A sick mind is... Some sick minds are. So let us not sulk in guilt. If someone gropes you, give it back to them. If someone tries to cross the line with u, don't feel sick abt urself, give it back to them, right there.

Gals, we are strong, we are confident and we know how to stand up for each other and for us. :) So help and support your friends who have been thru some sort of abuse or are thru one. Help them come out with it and get rid of the guilt.

Guys, Please understand that even though an act of groping or molestation seems like a simple something to you, it hurts deep inside our soul and makes us feel worthless, ashamed and sorry for ourselves. Help your women realize they are worthy of love and any such thing that happens to them is NOT their fault. Never shrug it off with a statement like- It happens to every gal or this is routine stuff.

NOTE : I prefer not to discuss my posts offline. But if you need help in talking it out, you are most welcome. Thank you. :)

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